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#450199 Spot The Poor Vauxhall!

Posted by Paramanic on 31 January 2015 - 11:05 AM

every driver hates vauxhall lol even vauxhall drivers hate vauxhall lol if i remember i got this from a vauxhall corsa forum that my mate (which has a Corsa) gave it to me years ago

i found this in my old files form years ago in my pc jokes :P 

Q: What goes on pages 4-5 of the Corsa user's manual?
A: The train & bus schedule


Q: How do you upgrade a Corsa?
A: Put in an engine.


A man goes to a parts garage:
Man: "Can I have a windshield wiper for a Corsa please?"
Parts man: "Yeah, that seems like a fair swap."

Q: What is the sport-version of Corsa?
A: The driver wears Nike shoes.

Q: What do you call a Corsa at the top of a hill?
A: A miracle.

Q: What do you call two Corsas at the top of a hill?
A: A mirage.

Q: What do you call a Corsa with dual exhausts?
A: A wheelbarrow

Q: How do you double the value of a Corsa?
A: Put in half a tank of petrol!


Q: What do you have to do if your Corsa gets in the way of a swarm of killer bees?
A: Stop pushing and take refuge into the car.


Q: Why do Corsas have heated rear windows?

A: To keep your hands warm when you're pushing them.


Q: What to you call a Corsa with brakes?
A: Customized.

Q: What is the Corsa owner's most ardent wish?
A: To buy a car.

Q: What do you call a Corsa with a seat belt?
A: A rucksack.


Q: What do you call a Corsa with a flat tire?
A: A write off.


Q: How do you make a Corsa go faster uphill?
A: Throw out the passenger.

Q: How do you make a Corsa go faster downhill?
A: Turn off the engine.

#253631 Ford Focus Full Wiring Schematics Mk2/2.5 And Mk3

Posted by Preee on 19 April 2013 - 09:56 PM

A little gift , here are the PDF electrical wiring diagrams for the Ford Focus


Focus Mk2/2.5 + ST PDF dated 2010  - http://www.mediafire...0ww0q1o720cm9uc


Focus Mk3 PDF dated 2011 , not ST - http://www.mediafire...5sgjtvif7gd9hxc


Very usefull indeed if your trying to figure out additions to your car or find wiring





#362828 Members Mug Shots....

Posted by Stoney871 on 10 May 2014 - 08:38 PM

One for the ladies ;)




(I have aged a bit since this one though)



#359656 I've Been Insulted By A German!

Posted by TheRookie on 03 May 2014 - 10:54 AM

I took this picture in Nuremberg when driving to a trade show:



#290613 Polite Reminder - Please Read

Posted by jeebowhite on 16 September 2013 - 04:05 PM

Please remember folks, that the "New Member Introductions" area is just to say "Hi, My name is... I drive a .... and I am interested in...."


Please do not post "should I change...." or "What do you think...." or any other conversations in this area, only post hello's and if you are looking for help then you need to post elsewhere (please read on).


1) If your driving one of the main Ford Groups (Fiesta, Focus, CMAX, SMAX, Galaxy, Sierra etc) then please post your questions, advice, guidance, how do I's in this appropriate category if it refers to your car. for example "My Fiesta wont start" - Fiesta forum. "My CMAX blew up" - CMAX section. "My Mondeo is driving me crazy" - Mondeo Section. If your posting about a particular make of car, put it in that section.


2) Only post in the "Guides" sections if you are posting a guide (like you see in Haynes!) on how to do something. "A guide on how to remove the pollen filter from a Focus" - Focus Forum - Focus Guides sub forum. "A guide on how to replace a battery on a Fiesta" - Fiesta Section - Fiesta Guides Sub Forum


3) If you have questions, or suggestions of a cleaning / detailing nature - "How should I wash my car?" or "what polish can I use to make my car sparkle" belong in the detailing and cleaning section.


All of these will help you to best get a response. Please do not post anything and everything into either the introductions, or the "general chat" sections. On this forum, we have a lot of members, who between them have an excellent level of knowledge in specific car area's, and they tend to congregate more so in their own area's. If you want a quick answer, Post directly in that section and someone can hopefully come back to you soon.



Please DO NOT post multiple copies of the same thread and/or post, as these are likely to be removed.


Please review the main forum page, and familiarize yourself with the categories and forum's that we have. We are here to help, and as a forum, pride ourselves as being the best on the net (top of most ford related searches!) as such, to ensure that you get the best from us as a new member, please help yourselves, and help us to get back to you sooner rather than later.

#449832 Spot The Poor Vauxhall!

Posted by jeebowhite on 30 January 2015 - 07:56 AM

Looks to me like one that just rolled out the factory...

#449694 Spot The Poor Vauxhall!

Posted by Stoney871 on 29 January 2015 - 07:00 PM

I heard that Vauxhall were the first to fit rear heated windows as standard so drivers could keep their hands warm while bump starting their cars in the winter. ;)

#349404 12 Inch Subs :)

Posted by Hyrule on 31 March 2014 - 06:36 PM

Made me chuckle :)



#348235 Speed Cameras, Some People Deserve A Ticket

Posted by sparksy32 on 28 March 2014 - 12:29 AM

So on my way to work the other night I was going down blackheath hill. There is a speed camera on the hill facing down.
3 cars in front of me, the first car of the three gets flashed.
You would think the second car would slow, but he doesn't and you guessed it he gets flashed as well.
The third car was a bit more savvy (or so I thought). He slowed down and didn't get flashed.
I decided to air on the side of caution and went through at about 20 mph.
Now at the bottom of the hill there is a set of traffic lights (can you see where this is going).
The third car that had slowed down previously went through on a red and triggered the traffic light camera.
Priceless. You really can't fix stupid.


#253772 Guide: Fitting Egr Blanking Plate 1.6Tdci Engine

Posted by Lenny on 20 April 2013 - 06:48 PM

Hi all,
I 100% recommend if fitting an EGR Blanking plate; that you fit a stainless steel one,
Alluminum plates break through over time with terrible results.

Stainless steel blanking plates are top job a fit and forget item.
Here is a reliable supplier of stainless steel laser cut egr blanking plates.

This guide is now available to download in pdf format making it eaier to print or share,
See link to download:



Tools Required:
16mm Socket
5/16 Socket
8mm Socket
13/32 Socket (only if engine cover fitted)
T30 Torx screw driver
T20 Torx screw driver


Time to fit : 02:15 from start to finish, perhaps quicker if you were not stopping to take pictures or search for the required tools since you guys now have a list lol


The next step is extremly difficult if you don't know how,
But its very simple once you know how; and you will know how to
After you watch this short video from dodge, all wiper arms remove the same way and this dodge wiper removal video video explains it best.

. http://m.youtube.com...?&desktop_uri=/








Clips removal using flat screwdriver to slide from panel.



Once unclipped;
Lift the panel free from place and store in a safe place until returning to the car.

Next step is to remove the panel beneath








also remove the brake fluid resivour from this panel and ensure to place it in an upright position in the engine bay until returning to the panel.



Store all screws in a cup and place it somewhere safe until returning to the car.

When screws are removed from the panel;
Lift upwards on the front and gently pull backwards to release from the clips that grip it at the rear:



when removed:
Store in a safe place until replacing on the car


Now all of these panels are removed, you can gain comfortable access to the rear of the engine,

Your next question may be "where is the EGR Valve located?"

Here are 3 images taken from the front engine bay and leading you to the rear right side of the 1.6TDCi / 1.6HDi engine where the EGR valve joins to the block.





This round headed barcoded electonic valve is THE EGR!!

This cylinder in the image below is the egr valve cooler,
Helps to cool the exhaust gases that are being sent to the valve for re-entry to the combustion chamber.


Now to fit the EGR blanking plate;
You first need to loosten the nut on the EGR Cooler tank



Followed by loosening the two extreemly long EGR Valve bolts.




Once the nut on the "EGR Cooler"
The 2 bolts on the "EGR Valve" have been made loose you can gently pull the EGR Valve from the engine block,
This is a case of trial pulling
Followed by further loosening of the nut/bolts until you have enough space to slide in the plate.

See in the image below this text:
The gap beginning to appear when gently pulling on the EGR valve after loosening


Their is a gasket seal on between the engine block and egr valve flange,
I kept the gasket on the engine block side; when inserting the blanking plate,

So the gasket now seals the engine block to the egr blanking plate,
This is best for a good seal.



Now to slide in the blanking plate from the right side of the engine
In to the left.

Very easy,
Just hook on to the top bolt
Let the blanking plate swing down; it will hook in to the lower bolt itself.

Just push firmly to the left to ensure it is centre in the valve,
Also ensure the gasket seal is between the engine block and the blanking plate.

Prior to tightening the 2 bolts on the EGR valve back up
Followed by the nut on the egr cooler.

Here is the blanking plate fitted:



Now to replace the panels







Ensure the seals are free from dirt
Also check the top panel under the windscreen,
It has a C shaped end that fits the bottom of the windscreen in to the panel for a tight seal.










All back togeather
You will notice boost comes a lot quicker and increased torque lower down in the rev range,
Exhaust noise is a little louder (just a little)
Engine idle is quieter
Exhaust smoke doesn't exist
Your induction system now takes in clean air only
No carbon in your induction
Less engine oil contamination

All of the above are from my personal experience since fitting,

Other things such as increased MPG have yet to be saw but I'll keep you all updated.
Great surprise with the reduced lag in 1st and 2nd Gear though.

Well worth every penny and more!

By far the best modification on the car to date.

#446199 Stupid Deal

Posted by Nathan54771 on 19 January 2015 - 05:57 PM

Doesn't like fords, drives a ford and spends time on dedicated forums for fords slating his ford. Makes sense.....

#445330 It's Been An Interesting Week..

Posted by Stoney871 on 16 January 2015 - 10:54 PM

It has certainly been national road numpty week.
I nearly ended up collecting a motorbike as a hood ornament yesterday when some twit decided he preferred my side of the road.
Also had a 'very nice lad' in a white van decide he wanted to drive the wrong way out of a one way access road at my local Asda.
When I pointed this out to him plus his lack of seatbelt and his attention being directed to his phone he threw a cog.
Calling me a f fat c and threatening to kick my f head in didn't endear him to me.
As I pulled into a parking space he flew out of his van intent on having a go.
As I got out of my car and he saw I'm a very big f fat c ;) and I was still in uniform his bravery abandoned him and he offed in the direction of f very rapidly.
I just stood there laughing like a lunatic. Happy days :D

#427274 Spot The Poor Vauxhall!

Posted by chrisroberson99 on 10 November 2014 - 07:55 PM


#418415 Spot The Poor Vauxhall!

Posted by SeanW on 11 October 2014 - 08:42 PM

Just seen this in the Fiat Forum:



Attached Thumbnails

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#410708 Joke Thread

Posted by Lenny on 17 September 2014 - 07:48 PM

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was After Eight. They got off at Quality Street. He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said with a Wispa. "I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts" he replied. He touched her Creme Eggs and slipped his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight and he shot his chewy centre. But 3 days later his sherbert dib-dab started to itch.Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he's got Allsorts.

#403400 Spot The Poor Vauxhall!

Posted by chan1a on 30 August 2014 - 05:36 PM

ImageUploadedByFord OC1409419233.708642.jpg

Sent from my iPhone using Ford OC

#393250 Should We Trust Garages?

Posted by stef123 on 02 August 2014 - 09:56 PM

I don't trust any garages or mechanics. That said, I'm the sort who goes round any work on any part of my property to ensure it's done correctly! I have always been of the opinion no one is out there to do you a favour but rather take your money!
I have had bad experiences with both dealers and independents, a few of the cars were not even mine! Don't get me wrong I don't make all mechanics or garages out to be rip of merchants but we do know there are plenty of them.

I have a guy who fits tyres for me and a guy who does my mot. I do everything else myself and have done for years due to a few bad experiences.
Why should I pay money to someone who does a substandard job that I'm well capable of doing? It's always good when you can stand back from a job and say.. That's just saved me X amount of money in labour! These days getting parts online and at discounted prices for top brands is easy so your making saving there for a start, sometime getting parts quicker than a local factors.

I'm by no means tight with my money or miserable, I have spent an absolute fortune over the years on tools and equipment and quite regularly rent out bits and peices to save others the hassle of using garages! Any money I make from renting out tools all gets invested back into buying more!

To add to the point of ppe and health and safety, I have to 'comply' with a lot at work (as a tradesman), most of which is absolutely pointless which is where I fear things are going in this country.
At home unless I'm welding/grinding you will very rarely see me wearing any form of ppe, so to the comment about those who don't wear it what else don't they do? It doesn't affect any work I do, why would it?
I'm not perfect in any way but I will always do the best I can. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night otherwise or knowing I've ripped someone off.

#361188 My Mate Hit A Deer (Graphic Pic)

Posted by theduke on 06 May 2014 - 10:54 PM

Oh Deer!

#322423 Egr Valve?

Posted by Lenny on 16 January 2014 - 01:33 PM


Hi john,
Welcome to the forum,
Take some time out to research the forum rules and follow them by introducing yourself in the "newbie section"
I notice if you filled the vehicle description out correctly on your profile correctly; you drive an ST understandably its not a modern diesel engine so your personal concern over egr blanking of your own vehicle is non existent.
Moving on from this mate; ford didn't design the modern diesel engines which they have fittted to there cars ;) which half of your life did you spend being the mechanic ?
My guess is; youve spent the first half
And now spending the second half being an arrogant !Removed! hole
The diesel engines ford now use with the exemption of the 1.8tdci are. Citroen Peugeot engines,
Ford head puffin a cigar got on the phone too gas monkey "gimmie cheap diesel engine that's economical, we'll sort the body just gimme something cheap with high mpg" they don't care about long term reliability that doesn't make money as I'm sure you as a mechanic yourself are well aware; fix it right the first time they won't be back motto.

Take a seat for this one; your ST engine.. its a Volvo mate, not a ford designs engine neither, has the inlet penillum split on you yet? Due at around 25,000 research that as it applies to your motor directly.
Aswell as the headlight washer jet covers known to depart from the body at 5,000 upwards,

Now on diesel engines the egr valve recirculates waste gasses in to the induction system instead of 100% clean air, this is in a bid to create an engine that wins stars on the European sales market for fuel efficiency and lowest in class emissions,
They want to sell, sell, sell, they no longer care about reliability.
The recirculation of waste gases is proven to contaminate the oil with excessive levels of carbon thus blocking oil feed pipes to the turbo causing turbo failure and excessive engine wear,
If I was a car manufacturer or a mechanic Id be all in favour of the egr and agents blanking it,
Because as a car manufacturer or a mechanic Id be making more money replacing blown turbos, blocked oil feed pipes, contaminated induction systems and carbon caked oil sumps.
But since I'm not either, as an independent road user and daily driver of an egr equipped vehicle I have done my research and decided the best option for me with my car is to blank the egr valve and prolong the life of my 32,000euro four wheeled investment.
I'm speaking from experience with diesel engine and from my experience buddy when it comes to egr blanking and understanding its functionality your speaking from your anal passage.

Typical mechanic too,
Opting to change the glow plugs when in discussion about working on a completely different part of the car :lol:
Any chance your a ford mechanic?
They changed my whole pollen filter housing when changing the pollen filter,

I'm not here to convince anyone to do anything,
I'm talking from personal experience and sharing that with others.
The ford mechanics don't design the cars, the he ford mechanic agreed with me on banking the egr,
He doesn't drive a ford body or Peugeot engine, he drove a Daewoo,
Again his personal experience added to my own personal experience and research after all he's servicing the things every day, he doesn't design them but he sees the wear and tare and with that knowledge he agreed yes blanking egr is most certainly the thing to do for lower carbon contamination.


#306124 Higgsy's Zetec S Thread

Posted by higgsy on 16 November 2013 - 09:25 PM

Decided create a thread tracking what I've been doing with my Zetec S.


Well my journey started at the end of September 2013 when after looking at new cars for a few months and originally looking at BMW 3 series and Mondeo's I came across the Focus Zetec S and instantly was struck my the looks and also the very reasonable price tag!


Here's the car as I first saw it on Auto Trader. The car came from Knights in Stoke, a huge BMW dealership, who sell any nice examples they take in part exchange on their forecourt and much reduced prices than similar cars elsewhere.











I started off with some basic protection mods:


Ford Genuine Rubber Mats 

Seat covers

Boot liner http://www.ebay.co.u...984.m1497.l2649

Lockwood Sill Protectors http://www.ebay.co.u...984.m1497.l2649




First Mod was to debadge and rebadge with just S badges, like many others I had a Zetec S with not 1 S badge, So I went with S badges on the wings/rear and Eventually on the Grille. I just went for the cheap non genuine badges for about £3 each on ebay and will see how they fair.






I was thinking on how to mount the S badge on the Grille, so I made a bracket by butchering an old bracket I never used from my old Corsa's Irmscher Grille, which turned out very good:




However once mounted I found it was at the completely wrong angle and not swept back enough, so I then decided to just stick it on using the good old double sided automotive grade tape, and its surprisingly secure and looks loads better.




Next thing on my list was my interior lighting, I wanted to replace the interior lights with leds and add footwell lights


So I got myself some of these from ebay: http://www.ebay.co.u...984.m1497.l2649


Unfortunately I didn't have the  wiring loom/bulb holders as standard, so I set about making my own loom, I ordered the parts I needed for it from http://www.thetoolboxshop.com/ (spade connectors, multi connectors, heat shrink etc.  apart from the wire which I had hanging around at home.


Unfortunately me  being me I didn't take any photos of the loom (bull in a china shop lol) or the fitting in the car but it was  very easy and took about 2 hours to make and fit the loom.  I must make sure I take photos of all stages from now on as I was really proud of the loom - did a proper job with heat shrink etc.


Finshed article:








I originally replace the boot bulb with one of the LED's however I thought it could do to be a little brighter so I bought an LED panel from ebay and fitted that http://www.ebay.co.u...984.m1497.l2649






To be continued.....


So that's really all so far


Mods planned and will definitely happen:



Custom Heater Knobs

Rear Window tints

Rear footwell lighting (already have a spare connector waiting for connection to this)


Mods I'm thinking about:


Custom Stainless exhaust

Changing colour of alloys

Leather seats

Lowering 30mm (Eibachs)

Alloy colour chage

Android Stereo