In Desperation !

[dodgy-alan]

My dear fellow automobilists ! Can anyone help! The lunge sprocket has come off of my 1934 Phipps Thunderer and now the car makes and awful racket ! I did try running it with the memsahib stuffing her arm up the pipe but all that happened was that she got govered in soot ! We've now resorted to getting some of the horses bridle gear from the stables and harnessing up the butler to pull us, but with 6 of us he can't manage more than a few miles and hour. Its ok going down hill but then we tend to run over the poor fellow before dragging him along behind us, It ruins his uniform when it happens too! We did think of using the dairy-maid with her large assets as some sort of bumper to stop it happening but then the valet, to whom she is fianced, prtested and threatened to resign if we did it again ! Damn it, this has got to be done in time for next weeks grouse shoot! Yours hopefully, Lord Percival Fanshaw Snotpicker.

[btmaldon]

Have you tried offering the Valet some sort of incentive to allow the Dairy-Maid to use her assets as a bumper.

Alternatively you may be able to strap both the Valet and the Butler together and allow the Dairy Maid to display her assets at a reasonable distance ahead of them. This would certainly increase the horse power and hopefully would result in a smooth ride.

[dodgy-alan]

Hmmm, a smoth ride with the dairy maid sounds appealing , (starts drooling!) Just hope the memsahib doesnt find out what ! Now where did she go, Ah yes thats it, she was trying to start the engine, Of you go girl, you know what to do, Suck , Squeeze, bang Blow ! No ! not the valet, The car dammit !!

[Bigdaddycain]

My dear fellow automobilists ! Can anyone help! The lunge sprocket has come off of my 1934 Phipps Thunderer and now the car makes and awful racket ! I did try running it with the memsahib stuffing her arm up the pipe but all that happened was that she got govered in soot ! We've now resorted to getting some of the horses bridle gear from the stables and harnessing up the butler to pull us, but with 6 of us he can't manage more than a few miles and hour. Its ok going down hill but then we tend to run over the poor fellow before dragging him along behind us, It ruins his uniform when it happens too! We did think of using the dairy-maid with her large assets as some sort of bumper to stop it happening but then the valet, to whom she is fianced, prtested and threatened to resign if we did it again ! Damn it, this has got to be done in time for next weeks grouse shoot! Yours hopefully, Lord Percival Fanshaw Snotpicker.

My dear fellow... I have a friend that used to be dead, so i phoned her up and asked if he still had his 1934 Phipps Thunderer, to which he replied, " yes, just let me slip on a comfy skirt, and i'll try to help".

Apparently the 1934 thundered had a re-occuring issue with the stronkle regenerator falling off the runkle decapitator rail, this often would occur on a Tuesday.

Apparently Phipps dealers often mis- diagnosed the above as being a lunge sprocket issue, many customers naturally went home and decapitated themselves with a rusty spoon upon hearing this, often causing a nasty infection on the corpse.

I was quite shocked and racked with despair upon hearing that you actually bridled your butler!

I have a butler by the name of Ivor daftsuit, and under no circumstances would i afford a person of lesser nobility such graces as being bridled! For one, i would have to unchain him from the cellar to haul the broken down Phipps! I nwhich case my mansion would flood... Ivor (my butler) is never given a drink, by means of a kindness expressed by myself i employ him primarily to remain in the cellar below a a leaking floor to one of the downstairs posh restrooms.

I'm proudly quite incontinent, and suffer from being way to important to care what others think, so when the time comes to relieve oneself, i simply do my wee and !Removed! on the floor of my upmarket loo. often the leaking floor means that the cellar tends to get quite full of my superior wee and !Removed!, hence why my manservant Ivor is employed to stand below the leak with his inferior gob open to catch my wee. which begs the question, how could one's manservant keep the cellar floor dry AND pull along one's malfuctioning Phipps Thunderer?

Anyway i must go, i always switch the cellar light on for half an hour each night before midnight so Ivor has at least some light so he can make sure he's doing his job properly... Aren't working conditions crazy these days? Not only must i provide adequate living conditions for one's manservants, now i'm being told that the authorities are somewhat concerned about the pile of dead butlers in my cellar! If i removed them, where would Ivor sit on his annual day off each year? It's health and safety gone mad i tell you! pip pip.

[Stoney871]

Is it just me or has it gone a bit goon show around here?

[dodgy-alan]

Ah, Bigdaddy, theres a splendid fellow, i sent the cheuffeur down to Phipps workshop where he had a whole line of broken Thunderers all awaiting repair, It turs out some liitle oik in the factory was fitting the Strokle regenerators back to front and this was what causes sypmtoms similar to the lunge sprocket failure ! The Memsahib has quite rightly refused to stick her remaining arm up the pipe so know we're trying to persuade the chambermaid to do it ! She refusing to do so saying that If i forced the issue she would inform the memsahib of my little dalliance with her every Friday after supper ! This cannot be allowed to leak out as, Like your butler I'd really be up to my neck in it ! I was wondering do you have any servant girls with long slender arms that would do an old man a favour ! We really neeed to take Lord Furtlesnicker on his grouse shoot next weekend and i, sure the added incentive of a visiting young lady with her hands round his pipe would enhance the experience ! In the meantime Phipps have kindly agreed to send me a new lunge sprocket direct from the factory but as yet they cannot find a carrier pigeon strong enough to lift it ! Well, must go, Toodle pip, yours magnanamously, Percival !!