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Zetecspaul
Good luck to the Brazilian hurdles! The last Brazilian to jump over a bar got shot
1989jeffrey1989
Fifty shades of pink (for men): She woke me up with a bacon and egg sandwich, the bacon was crispy and the yolk and butter oozed out of the thick cut bread, when i'd finished she removed her night dress, she was in a dirty mood, we did everything, she didn't complain and whether or not she enjoyed it she didn't play the guilt card, we finished and she left the room without talking so i could get my well earned sleep.The End
Ray Robbins
Aviva Insurance
Lenny
3 nipples came in to the bar,
the bar man refuesd to serve them,
because they were off their tits.
AJ_sXe
Simple joke - Ford Customer Service.
fordieashx
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese! :P
Preee
HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as

a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while

we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school

reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his

drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking

right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he

hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting

to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had

something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,

making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally she

thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall

grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing

scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into

the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again

I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the

grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a
limp.
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my

lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the

boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential

downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the

garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather

would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back

into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different

anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is

terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my

stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started....

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 180 in

about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to
apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for
my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet
at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to
go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have
dropped

your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need
you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The
driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which
one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.
Stoney871
Sorry ladies, slightly sexist...

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice.

Or--

Blind man goes to a Timber mill for a job interview.
Foreman asks him what skills he has that are relevant to the job.
Blind man says " I can grade wood by smell"
Foreman tells him he wants to see this for himself and takes the blind man down to the shop floor.
Foreman brings out a piece of wood and the blind man sniffs the wood for about ten seconds.
"It's a nice bit of Oak, just right for as nice table" he says.
Foreman brings out anothger piece of wood and the blind man sniffs it too.
"Ah, now thats a bit of Pine" he says, "not seasoned enough yet, maybe a few more months until it's ready".
Foreman is very impressed but wants to play a joke on the blind man so he brings out Tammy the office girl, she removes her knickers and lays face up on the bench.
The blind man sniffs her for a good minute and scratches his head.
"I'm not really sure" he says, "can you turn it over for me?"
Tammy duly turns over and he sniffs again.
A look of confusion passes over his face before he finally looks satisfied with his answer.
"I think you're trying to have a joke with me" he says, "It's a S*it house door off a trawler".
James Rosier
Why can't a car play football?


It only has one boot!
gc88
Knock knock
Who's there
Interupting sheep
Interupting she..
BAHHHHHHHHH!
mintalkin
asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday
anything from bodyshop she said
so i got her a n/s ford focus door, you watch it be the wrong bloody colour.
qtcbd
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee, Lena. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Stoney871
[IMG]http://i1130.photobucket.com/albums/m522/stoney871/Gifs/happy0071.gif[/IMG]
JennyUK
Women jokes stoney, I'm sure you can do better then that :P
Stoney871
I would tell Mother in Law jokes but she'd beat me up, likewise for Wife jokes, i'd get chinned.
jeebowhite
Most men are allowed to live the jokes, but even think about repeating them and we wont have any test tickles...

Some good ones up there I have to say, I quite like the fight starting!
Lenny
Turbo key ring that actually works lol

[url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQxvowrAUNY&feature=related"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQxvowrAUNY&feature=related[/url]
Preee
Lmao Lenny that's a good find , i want one maybe my car will go faster if i get two .
Stoney871
It will add 100bhp if you do.
Lenny
[quote name='Stoney871' timestamp='1344543977' post='200015']
It will add 100bhp if you do.
[/quote]


[quote name='Preee' timestamp='1344543938' post='200014']
Lmao Lenny that's a good find , i want one maybe my car will go faster if i get two .
[/quote]


soup up your 2 stroke garden strimmer with one

[media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zy1EoHzG9QI[/media]
Fiesta1.25
Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he was kneading a jobby!
martyntdci
never play leap frog with a unicorn........

did you know that smoking shortens your cigarettes.....

what do you call a woman with 1 leg?? a push over........

what do you call a train that carries bulbblegum????? a chew chew train.....

A english man, a irish man and a scottsman in a jeep in the desert and the jeep breaks down..... the english man says i will take the food that will help me to survive to a town, the scottsman says il take the water that will help me to survive to a town, and the irish man says il take the door so when it gets hot i can wind the window down........
Lenny
[quote name='martyntdci' timestamp='1345663455' post='202702']
never play leap frog with a unicorn........

did you know that smoking shortens your cigarettes.....

what do you call a woman with 1 leg?? a push over........

what do you call a train that carries bulbblegum????? a chew chew train.....

A english man, a irish man and a scottsman in a jeep in the desert and the jeep breaks down..... the english man says i will take the food that will help me to survive to a town, the scottsman says il take the water that will help me to survive to a town, and the irish man says il take the door so when it gets hot i can wind the window down........
[/quote]

[img]http://www.genuinekentucky.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/laughing_so_hard_hes_crying1.gif[/img]your so racist agents the irish
surprised he didt drink the radiator coolant instead of carrying the door.
jeebowhite
lol, Sorry to do this to ya Lenny but I have to... I feel its my moral obligation to the English community!

What do you do, if an irishman throws a pin at you? - Run, before the grenade goes pop!

However I will balance it, with a joke that an irishman once told me!

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, were working on a building site, they sat down at the top of the skyscraper and opened up their lunch packs.
Irishman "If I have to eat one more ham sandwhich, I will jump from this building tomorrow"
Scotsman "if I have to eat one more cheese sandwhich, I too will jump from this building tomorrow"
Englishman "If I have to eat one more packet of plain crisps, I will climb to the spire, and follow you both tomorrow"...
...The next day, there were three jumpers from that building site...
...A week later, there was a joint funeral, the irishmans wife was balling with floods of tears, the scots wife too was balling in floods of tears and trying to comfort the irish widow. The english wife was sat in the corner wetting herself in hysterical fits of laughter. Through the blubs of tears, the widows asked "why are you so happy, why are you not sad, or crying"?
...The english widow stands up and holds back the hysterics... "Stupid B*******d always made his own packed lunches!!!"
martyntdci
[quote name='Lenny' timestamp='1345720244' post='202803']
[img]http://www.genuinekentucky.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/laughing_so_hard_hes_crying1.gif[/img]your so racist agents the irish
surprised he didt drink the radiator coolant instead of carrying the door.
[/quote]

lol funny though...... and tbh isnt it the irish what hates the english lmao........
Stoney871
Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are returning from a foreign holiday when they all realise they have forgotten to buy their wives a gift.
They run to the shops and meet up an hour later to compare gifts-
Englishman- Ive bought my wife a diamond ring and a pair of gloves, if she doesn't like the ring she can wear the gloves instead.
Irishman- Ive bought my wife a necklace and a scarf, if she doesn't like the necklace she can wear the scarf instead.
Scotsman- Ive bought my wife a box of chocolates and a vibrator, if she doesn't like the chocolates she can go and f### herself.
GSM
Engineering related joke, 'cause I'm an Engineer.

Three Engineers, one from Microsoft, one from Apple and one from Google, are in the toilet.

After finishing, the Microsoft Engineer washes his hands and then proceeds to dry his hands, using up almost half the packet of paper towels in the process. "At Microsoft, we're told to be extremely thorough, and get the job done no matter what it takes".

The Apple Engineer washes his hands and dries his, but uses only a single sheet of paper towel. "At Apple, we're told to be thorough too, but also extremely efficient."

The Google Engineer leaves the urinal and heads straight for the door saying "At Google, we don't piss on our hands".
jeebowhite
Liking the engineer laughs! lol


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