22 replies to this topic

[Rikos]

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag
at you, what have you done wrong?

.
.
.
.
.
A: Made her chain too long.

[Rikos]

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his
date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own
car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy
Sue's father answers and invites him in.

'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a
seat?' he says.

'That''s cool.' says Bobby.

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning
to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably
just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go
out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and
he says, 'Whaaaat?'

'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really
likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let
her!'

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as
he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes
later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle
skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's
ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation,
Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is
saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy
Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind
her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The
twist! It's called the twist!!'

[Rikos]

For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

[Rikos]

Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace
1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."
8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."
12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"
13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.
14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

[vinnyvangough]

Another load of brilliant jokes Riko's. Keep it up

[Rikos]

I shall do my best ...... just hope i dont have to resort to knock knock jokes eventually

[Secret_Stig]

What do u get when you see secret stig melting choc?

[Rikos]

What do u get when you see secret stig melting choc?

A big smile as i'd be sat looking at the secret stig

[vinnyvangough]

CHOCOLATE WILLIES

[Secret_Stig]

Woo lol vinny gets it the choc is everywhere just letting them set now

[vinnyvangough]

I thought you'd like it when willies go hard. lol

[Secret_Stig]

Thats while i'm letting them set nowe and they'll be lovely and hard for me when i get home after work thn ...

[vinnyvangough]

Thats gotta be your wost comment yet. Can you imagine whats going through Rikos's mind now?

[Secret_Stig]

I didnt mean anyhting by it lol honest

[Rikos]

It's a good job i'm a priest or i'd be having terrible thoughts now............. o hang on a minute i'm not a priest