Friday Jokes

[Rikos]

A "heads up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as

you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your

windshield with a rag and Windex, with their !Removed! almost falling out of

their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you

for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back-seat.

On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the

front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals

your wallet. I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the

15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th,

16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again

this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Asda has wallets on sale for 2.99 each.

[Rikos]

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation

that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation,… No

one wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City, stands up and

proclaims, . ‘If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new

Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport

their children!’ The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, ‘If

the Preacher will stay on here I’ll personally double his salary and

also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all

his children!’ More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, ‘If the

Preacher stays, … I will give him s*x!’

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks, ‘Mrs. Jones,

whatever possessed you to say that?’

Sadie’s 90-year-old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding his

forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to

side, while his wife replies,

‘Well, I just asked my husband how we

could help and he said, ……. ‘Screw the Preacher!’

[Rikos]

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,

‘Are all of those kids yours?’

He replied, ‘No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.

[Rikos]

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t

necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.”