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Monday's Jokes


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#1 Rikos

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Posted 23 September 2008 - 12:10 PM

Eighteen Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than !Removed!....

18 You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house
17 If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique
16 The Ten Commandments don't say anything about golf.
15 If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet when you become famous.
14 Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners you've golfed with.
13 It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger.
12 When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together
11 If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you golf with someone else.
10 Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.
9 When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if he is really an undercover cop.
8 You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighbourhood to buy golf stuff.
7 You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite co- workers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment.
6 There is no such thing as a "golf transmitted disease."
5 If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.
4 Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life
3 Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.
2 You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.
1 Your golf partner will never say, "What ? We just golfed last week ! Is that all you ever think about ?"

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#2 Rikos

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Posted 23 September 2008 - 12:12 PM

Three macho mice are sitting at a bar discussing just how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says: "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says: "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and turns to walk away.
"Where the hell do you think you're going?" ask his friends.
The third mouse stops and replies: "I'm going home to have !Removed! with the cat."

#3 Rikos

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Posted 23 September 2008 - 12:12 PM

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find
her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was
about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps
you should hear how all this came about..."

"I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman
looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a
meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.

She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had
discarded because they had gone out of style.

She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for
your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit
you.

Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which
were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there
anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"

#4 Rikos

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Posted 23 September 2008 - 12:20 PM

I was caught short while shopping with my missus last weekend and had to go to the toilets in the shopping centre for a !Removed!.

Just as I sat down, the guy in the cubicle next door said, "Hello".

Out of instinct I said "Hello" back.

"What are you doing?" he said

Panicking a bit by now, I responded: "Having a poo. You?"

To which he said: "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. The knob in the cubicle next door is trying to talk to me".

#5 vinnyvangough

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Posted 23 September 2008 - 12:47 PM

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