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#1 Rikos

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Posted 03 October 2008 - 11:51 AM

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Scotsman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Scotsman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

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#2 Rikos

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Posted 03 October 2008 - 12:02 PM

if all major retailers started making their own condoms and keeping their same slogan ...

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better.

Tesco Condoms - every little helps.

Nike Condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.

Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC Condoms - Finger, Licking good.

Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey condoms - because life is complicated enough.

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.

Duracell condoms - keep going and going.

Macintosh condoms - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple. (you won't get a pc user using these!!)

Pringles condoms - once you pop, you can't stop.

Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper

Goodyear condoms - for a longer ride go wide

!Removed! condoms - no comment required.

Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain

Halford condoms - we go the extra mile.

On-digital condoms - plug and play!!!!

Royal mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long

Renault condoms - size really does matter!

Ronseal condoms - does exactly what is says on the tin

Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in about 30 minutes

Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!!(sorry!)

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach

Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world.

AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service

Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal

Polo condoms - the condom with the hole!!! (VERY poor seller!!!)

#3 Rikos

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Posted 03 October 2008 - 12:03 PM

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered."

But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

#4 Rikos

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Posted 03 October 2008 - 12:06 PM

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish.............................................49
Adventurous.................Slept with all your mates
Athletic......................................No t*ts
Average looking...............Has a face like an a*se
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure......................On medication
Feminist.........................................Fat
Free spirit....................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................Former sl*t
Fun..........................................Annoying
Gentle..........................................Dull
New-Age............................Body hair problems
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate..............................Sloppy drunk
Poet.......................................Depressive
Professional....................................B*tch
Romantic.......................................Frigid
Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
Large lady.................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker
Widow.........................................Murderer



WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is !Removed! all you ever think about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like



MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have !Removed! now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have !Removed!?
7. What's wrong? = I guess !Removed! is out of the question
8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have !Removed! with you
9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have !Removed! with you
10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have !Removed! with you
11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have !Removed! with you
12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have !Removed! with you
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have !Removed! with you within the next 3 mins.
14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have !Removed! with you.
15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm !Removed!

#5 vinnyvangough

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Posted 03 October 2008 - 01:06 PM

Thats awesome. Womans and mens english is spot on


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