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Thursdays Joke


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#1 Rikos

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Posted 09 October 2008 - 12:23 PM

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)

























































Answer:
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

**** Men keep scrolling.

























































So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.























































By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

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#2 Rikos

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Posted 09 October 2008 - 12:28 PM

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit - demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed..............................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows....-1
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1
You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
in the snow...................................................+8
but return with beer..........................................-5
and no liners................................................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.....................+2
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5
You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
It's her cat.................................................-50

AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party......................... 0
You stay by her side for a while then go to chat with a friend from school...................................................-2
Named Tiffany.................................................-4
Tiffany is now a dancer......................................-10
With breast implants.........................................-18

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday............................... 0
You buy a card and flowers.............................. 0
You take her out to dinner.............................. 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
It is a sports bar......................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3
And your face is painted the colors of your favorite team...................................................-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

You go out with a pal............................... 0
The pal is happily married..........................+1
The pal is single...................................-7
He drives a Ferrari................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED).......-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie...................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes.........................+4
You take her to a movie you hate..........................+6
You take her to a movie you like..........................-2
It's called Death Cop III.................................-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly...........................,.-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.+10
You resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts............-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."...............-800

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding......................-10
You reply, "Where?".............................-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your !Removed!".........-100
Any other response..............................-20

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....................0
You listen, for over 30 minutes..................................+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience......,..+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?".........................-100
You have fallen asleep.........................................-200

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH.......

You talk.........................................-100
You don't talk...................................-150
You spend time with her..........................-200
You don't spend time with her....................-500

#3 Rikos

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Posted 09 October 2008 - 12:29 PM

Just a wee story about loyalty in marriage...

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.



"I think you're bad luck, get the hell away from me ."

#4 vinnyvangough

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Posted 09 October 2008 - 04:26 PM

Another thread to make me giggle


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