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#1 Zetecspaul

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Posted 07 August 2012 - 08:20 PM

Good luck to the Brazilian hurdles! The last Brazilian to jump over a bar got shot

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#2 1989jeffrey1989

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Posted 07 August 2012 - 08:54 PM

Fifty shades of pink (for men): She woke me up with a bacon and egg sandwich, the bacon was crispy and the yolk and butter oozed out of the thick cut bread, when i'd finished she removed her night dress, she was in a dirty mood, we did everything, she didn't complain and whether or not she enjoyed it she didn't play the guilt card, we finished and she left the room without talking so i could get my well earned sleep.The End

#3 Ray Robbins

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Posted 07 August 2012 - 09:08 PM

Aviva Insurance

#4 Lenny

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Posted 07 August 2012 - 09:18 PM

3 nipples came in to the bar,
the bar man refuesd to serve them,
because they were off their !Removed!.

#5 AJ_sXe

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Posted 07 August 2012 - 09:37 PM

Simple joke - Ford Customer Service.

#6 fordieashx

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Posted 07 August 2012 - 10:01 PM

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese! :P

#7 Preee

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Posted 07 August 2012 - 10:12 PM

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as

a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while

we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have !Removed!?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school

reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his

drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking

right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he

hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting

to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had

something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,

making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally she

thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall

grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing

scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into

the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again

I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the

grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a
limp.
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my

lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the

boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential

downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the

garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather

would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back

into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different

anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is

terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my

stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started....

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 180 in

about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to
apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for
my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet
at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to
go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have
dropped

your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need
you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The
driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which
one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

#8 Stoney871

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Posted 07 August 2012 - 10:21 PM

Sorry ladies, slightly sexist...

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice.

Or--

Blind man goes to a Timber mill for a job interview.
Foreman asks him what skills he has that are relevant to the job.
Blind man says " I can grade wood by smell"
Foreman tells him he wants to see this for himself and takes the blind man down to the shop floor.
Foreman brings out a piece of wood and the blind man sniffs the wood for about ten seconds.
"It's a nice bit of Oak, just right for as nice table" he says.
Foreman brings out anothger piece of wood and the blind man sniffs it too.
"Ah, now thats a bit of Pine" he says, "not seasoned enough yet, maybe a few more months until it's ready".
Foreman is very impressed but wants to play a joke on the blind man so he brings out Tammy the office girl, she removes her knickers and lays face up on the bench.
The blind man sniffs her for a good minute and scratches his head.
"I'm not really sure" he says, "can you turn it over for me?"
Tammy duly turns over and he sniffs again.
A look of confusion passes over his face before he finally looks satisfied with his answer.
"I think you're trying to have a joke with me" he says, "It's a S*it house door off a trawler".

#9 James Rosier

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Posted 07 August 2012 - 10:55 PM

Why can't a car play football?


It only has one boot!

#10 gc88

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Posted 08 August 2012 - 01:25 PM

Knock knock
Who's there
Interupting sheep
Interupting she..
BAHHHHHHHHH!

#11 mintalkin

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Posted 08 August 2012 - 02:58 PM

asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday
anything from bodyshop she said
so i got her a n/s ford focus door, you watch it be the wrong !Removed! colour.

#12 qtcbd

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Posted 08 August 2012 - 07:05 PM

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee, Lena. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

#13 Stoney871

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Posted 08 August 2012 - 07:31 PM

Posted Image

#14 JennyUK

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Posted 08 August 2012 - 08:47 PM

Women jokes stoney, I'm sure you can do better then that :P

#15 Stoney871

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Posted 08 August 2012 - 10:15 PM

I would tell Mother in Law jokes but she'd beat me up, likewise for Wife jokes, i'd get chinned.

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