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Rondy
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Things you SOULDN'T say on your anniversary:

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about your appearance.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
5. You don't like what I buy you, so I thought why bother.
4. I got you a present worth a quid for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a £5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, go on then.
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

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3 minutes ago, Rondy said:

Things you SOULDN'T say on your anniversary:

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about your appearance.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
5. You don't like what I buy you, so I thought why bother.
4. I got you a present worth a quid for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a £5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, go on then.
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

🤣

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A woman complained to her veterinarian that her dog would start humping her every time he came into the house. "Is there anything you can do?" she asked.

The doctor said, "Well, we could castrate him, and then he would no longer have a s*x drive."

The woman replies, "That seems awfully harsh. Couldn't you just clip his nails and do something about his bad breath?"

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30 minutes ago, Rondy said:

A woman complained to her veterinarian that her dog would start humping her every time he came into the house. "Is there anything you can do?" she asked.

The doctor said, "Well, we could castrate him, and then he would no longer have a s*x drive."

The woman replies, "That seems awfully harsh. Couldn't you just clip his nails and do something about his bad breath?"

 

30 minutes ago, Rondy said:

A woman complained to her veterinarian that her dog would start humping her every time he came into the house. "Is there anything you can do?" she asked.

The doctor said, "Well, we could castrate him, and then he would no longer have a s*x drive."

The woman replies, "That seems awfully harsh. Couldn't you just clip his nails and do something about his bad breath?"

😂

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An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the funeral parlour to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day.
When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit," the mortician replied. "His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit."
Albert's wife smiled at the undertaker.
"After that," he continued, "it was just a matter of swapping the heads."

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I got cut off by a taxi driver last week.
I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank.
I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?"
"£5" said the driver. "And how much for a ***** ?" I asked him.
"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".
"£5" said the driver. "And how much for a ***** ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of each taxi in turn, until I came to my target at the back of the queue.
"How much to the station ?". "£5" said the driver.
"Ok" I said "Let's go"
As we pulled out and overtook the other taxis I wound the window down and gave all the other drivers a thumbs up with a big grin on my face!!.

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3 hours ago, Rondy said:

An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the funeral parlour to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day.
When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit," the mortician replied. "His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit."
Albert's wife smiled at the undertaker.
"After that," he continued, "it was just a matter of swapping the heads."

🤣

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2 hours ago, Rondy said:

I got cut off by a taxi driver last week.
I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank.
I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?"
"£5" said the driver. "And how much for a ***** ?" I asked him.
"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".
"£5" said the driver. "And how much for a ***** ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of each taxi in turn, until I came to my target at the back of the queue.
"How much to the station ?". "£5" said the driver.
"Ok" I said "Let's go"
As we pulled out and overtook the other taxis I wound the window down and gave all the other drivers a thumbs up with a big grin on my face!!.

😄

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I visited my local last night, and ordered a pint.   The barman said, "You're a bit of a stranger, you never come in and play darts with your wife anymore."
"No", I replied, "Her head has gone blunt!"

He said "Somebody has stolen the 50 inch tv from the lounge bar!"
I said "I'm not surprised. You left it where everyone could see it!"

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26 minutes ago, Rondy said:

I visited my local last night, and ordered a pint.   The barman said, "You're a bit of a stranger, you never come in and play darts with your wife anymore."
"No", I replied, "Her head has gone blunt!"

He said "Somebody has stolen the 50 inch tv from the lounge bar!"
I said "I'm not surprised. You left it where everyone could see it!"

 

26 minutes ago, Rondy said:

I visited my local last night, and ordered a pint.   The barman said, "You're a bit of a stranger, you never come in and play darts with your wife anymore."
"No", I replied, "Her head has gone blunt!"

He said "Somebody has stolen the 50 inch tv from the lounge bar!"
I said "I'm not surprised. You left it where everyone could see it!"

🤣

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Nigel was sitting in class one day when the teacher asked the class:

"Who caused the walls of Jericho to collapse?"

Nigel instantly replied :

"It wasn't me miss!"

Teacher said:

"Stay behind after class you cheeky young idiot you!"

Much later than usual, Nigel two gets home and his mother Sharon asks him why he's so late home.

"Because" said Nigel "The teacher asked who destroyed the walls of Jericho and I said that it wasn't me".

Next day, his mother goes to school to see the teacher.

"Why did you keep my son late after school yesterday?" she demanded.

"Because" said the teacher "when I asked him who had destroyed the walls of Jericho he  cheekily replied that it wasn't him"

Sharon gets angry and says:

"Look here missus, If he say's he didn't do it, then he didn't do it, so there!!"

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11 minutes ago, Rondy said:

Nigel was sitting in class one day when the teacher asked the class:

"Who caused the walls of Jericho to collapse?"

Nigel instantly replied :

"It wasn't me miss!"

Teacher said:

"Stay behind after class you cheeky young idiot you!"

Much later than usual, Nigel two gets home and his mother Sharon asks him why he's so late home.

"Because" said Nigel "The teacher asked who destroyed the walls of Jericho and I said that it wasn't me".

Next day, his mother goes to school to see the teacher.

"Why did you keep my son late after school yesterday?" she demanded.

"Because" said the teacher "when I asked him who had destroyed the walls of Jericho he  cheekily replied that it wasn't him"

Sharon gets angry and says:

"Look here missus, If he say's he didn't do it, then he didn't do it, so there!!"

😅

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