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David Beckham gets into a taxi at Dublin airport. He sees the driver looking at him for about 5 minutes in the rear view mirror.
Eventually the driver says "OK, give me a clue."
Beckham sighs and replies "Well I had a glittering career with Man United, married a Spice Girl and played over 100 times for England. Is that enough?"
Driver says "No you numpty, where the hell are you going?"

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"I want to divorce my wife."

"On what grounds?"

"She is out all night, every night, going from bar to bar."

"Are you saying she's an alcoholic or do you think she's cheating?"

"No, she's looking for me."

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Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver: ''Will this bus take me to the High street?''

The bus driver shakes his head and says, ''No, I'm sorry.''

At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: ''But..will it take ME?''

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While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a Cheshire cafe, four elderly farmers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Florida. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going there again to pick her up."

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Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to try his luck with Mabel.
He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."

"Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back. "After all it is your cow and I doubt she would mind."

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I was browsing in a large high street department store, looking for suitable gifts.
A salesman soon spotted me and came to my assistance.
"Can I help you, sir"? He asked.
"Yes, I'd like to see what wristwatches you have for sale" I replied.
"Analogue" ? He asked.
Me: "No thanks, just the watch please."

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I remember last year listening to two blondes on the train. First blonde: "I see Christmas day is on a Friday this year."
Second blonde: "***** hell, I hope it's not on the thirteenth then."

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Norma and Sonia were talking about their grandchildren after the holidays. Norma said, "My daughter-in-law stopped making my grandchildren send their 'thank you' notes. Each year I sent the grandchildren a card with a generous cheque inside. I always received a lovely `thank you' note. However, since my daughter-in-law stopped making the grandkids send thank you notes, I never hear from them."

Sonia said, "My daughter-in-law never made the grandchildren send `thank you' notes. I too send them a very generous cheque. However, for the past several years, I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit."

"Wow," remarked Norma. "I wish mine would do that."

"You can, Norma, you can."

"How?" Norma asked

"Simple. Do what I do. Don't sign the cheque."

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Little Kathy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Kathy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Kathy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbour was moved by the little girls emotion.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. But that's an awfully big hole for a little goldfish, isn't it honey?"

Kathy patted down the last pile of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your ***** cat!"


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