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Rondy
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1 hour ago, Rondy said:

My wife is threatening to leave me for never putting the toilet seat down.

To be honest, I’m getting a little tired of carrying it around.
________________


I gave my friend an apple, and he told me he preferred pears.

So I gave him another apple.
________________

My wife said, "Tell me you love me!"

I said, "Give me a flipping chance, I'm only on my 8th can of Fosters!"
________________

I was walking past a hardware shop with a friend sign on the window read cast iron sinks - she said any fool knows that.....
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I walked into a cafe this morning with my jack russell. The owner of the cafe said, "Excuse me sir, no dogs allowed in here."

Quick as a flash I said, "I'm blind."

He said, "I thought blind people had labradors or alsations?"

I bent down and said, "Why what have they given me?"


_______________

😂

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It was the end of the day when I parked my police car in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

"Is that a dog you got in the back seat there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the car. Finally he said, "What offence did he do then?"

 

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A Woman Sends a Text to Her Husband

“Honey, don't forget to buy BREAD when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you.”
Husband: "Who is Valerie?"
Wife: "Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have confirmation that you saw my text."
Husband: "But I’m with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?"
Wife: "What??! Where are you?"
Husband: "Near the bakery."
Wife: "Wait, I’m coming right now!"
After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:
Wife: "I’m at the bakery, where are you?"

Husband: "I’m at work. Now that you’re at the bakery you  buy the bread !"

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34 minutes ago, Rondy said:

A Woman Sends a Text to Her Husband

“Honey, don't forget to buy BREAD when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you.”
Husband: "Who is Valerie?"
Wife: "Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have confirmation that you saw my text."
Husband: "But I’m with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?"
Wife: "What??! Where are you?"
Husband: "Near the bakery."
Wife: "Wait, I’m coming right now!"
After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:
Wife: "I’m at the bakery, where are you?"

Husband: "I’m at work. Now that you’re at the bakery you  buy the bread !"

😂

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1 hour ago, Rondy said:

It was the end of the day when I parked my police car in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

"Is that a dog you got in the back seat there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the car. Finally he said, "What offence did he do then?"

 

😂

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There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt.

After observing this behaviour for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon.

The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned and said, "Get my brown pants."

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2 hours ago, Rondy said:

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt.

After observing this behaviour for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon.

The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned and said, "Get my brown pants."

🙂

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Husband comes home and says:
"Honey, I invited a friend to have dinner with us today."
Screaming she replies:
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I did not buy any groceries, the dishes are dirty and I'm not in the mood to cook anything special."
"I know."
"So why did you invited him?"
"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."

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2 hours ago, Rondy said:

Husband comes home and says:
"Honey, I invited a friend to have dinner with us today."
Screaming she replies:
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I did not buy any groceries, the dishes are dirty and I'm not in the mood to cook anything special."
"I know."
"So why did you invited him?"
"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."

😂

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Two lady school teachers from Chester, spending their sabbatical year exploring the Europe, stopped at a small and old-fashioned hotel in Spain recently.

One of the pair was inclined to be worrisome when traveling, and she couldn't rest until she had made a tour of the corridors to hunt out exits in case of fire. The first door she opened, unfortunately, turned out to be that of the public bath, occupied by an elderly gentleman taking a shower.

"Oh, excuse me!" the lady stammered, flustered. "I'm looking for the fire escape." Then she ran for it.

To her dismay, she hadn't got far along the corridor when she heard a shout behind her and, looking around, saw the gentleman, wearing only a towel, running after her.

"Where's the fire?!" he screamed.

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2 hours ago, Rondy said:

Two lady school teachers from Chester, spending their sabbatical year exploring the Europe, stopped at a small and old-fashioned hotel in Spain recently.

One of the pair was inclined to be worrisome when traveling, and she couldn't rest until she had made a tour of the corridors to hunt out exits in case of fire. The first door she opened, unfortunately, turned out to be that of the public bath, occupied by an elderly gentleman taking a shower.

"Oh, excuse me!" the lady stammered, flustered. "I'm looking for the fire escape." Then she ran for it.

To her dismay, she hadn't got far along the corridor when she heard a shout behind her and, looking around, saw the gentleman, wearing only a towel, running after her.

"Where's the fire?!" he screamed.

👍

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A man goes into a chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He asks, "Do you sell fish cakes?"
"No." comes the reply. "Shame, it's his birthday today."
_____________

Police Chief: "As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?"
New Recruit: "Call for backup!"

______________
 

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Two guys wandered into a bar.
One of the men shouted to the barkeeper, "Hiya, Mike, set 'em up for me and my pal here."

Then he turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted, "This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one. And the pool table  in the back is free!"

"That's not so great," responded the friend. "There's a bar across town that'll match you drink for drink, and you can get laid in the back for free."

"Where is this place?" the first guy exclaimed.

"Oh, I don't know," the dim fellow replied, "But my wife goes there all the time."

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The first-time dad was taking a turn at feeding the baby some mashed peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food all over the baby.

His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband, who is just staring off into space and says, "What in the world are you doing?"

He replied, "I'm just waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."

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3 minutes ago, Rondy said:

The first-time dad was taking a turn at feeding the baby some mashed peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food all over the baby.

His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband, who is just staring off into space and says, "What in the world are you doing?"

He replied, "I'm just waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."

🙂

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