Have a laugh

[Rondy]

A patient complained to the doctor that his hair was coming out.
"Won't you give me something to keep it in?" he begged.
"Yes certainly, take this," the doctor said kindly, and he handed the patient a pill box.

[Rondy]

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.

"Hello," said the Father, "And how is Mrs. O'Donovan, didn't I marry you two years ago?"

"You did that, Father."

"And are there any little ones yet?"

"No, not yet, Father." Said she.

"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."

"Thank-you, Father." And away she went.

A few years later they met again.

"Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"

"Oh, very well," said she.

"And tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?"

"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - ten in all."

"Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?"

"Oh," she said, "he's over in Rome to blow that ***** candle out!"

[Rondy]

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.

"Hello," said the Father, "And how is Mrs. O'Donovan, didn't I marry you two years ago?"

"You did that, Father."

"And are there any little ones yet?"

"No, not yet, Father." Said she.

"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."

"Thank-you, Father." And away she went.

A few years later they met again.

"Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"

"Oh, very well," said she.

"And tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?"

"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - ten in all."

"Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?"

"Oh," she said, "he's over in Rome to blow that ***** candle out!"

[Rondy]

A fifteen-year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen pounds.”
The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen quid!?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen pounds.”
“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen pounds and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, "I thought my husband was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. This morning I got a phone call from my husband he claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

[Rondy]

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants in France."

The new man asked, "What happened?"

"Ah well you see," the old man replied, "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

[dezwez]

2 hours ago, Rondy said:

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants in France."

The new man asked, "What happened?"

"Ah well you see," the old man replied, "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

😂

[Rondy]

A woman answered the front door to find a workman standing on the porch and carrying a box of tools.
"I'm the piano tuner ma'am" he announced.
"But I didn't send for a piano tuner."
"I know, but your  neighbours did!"

[eddie eastwood]

[Rondy]

Observing the baby one night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a cot like that for only £46.50."

[Rondy]

A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.
"Don't you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer.
"Oh, I still love him," she replied, "but all he ever wants is make love, I can't take it anymore."
"Instead of divorcing him, why don't you try charging him every time he wants to make love?" the lawyer suggested.
The wife decided to give the plan a try.
As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband sidled up to her.
"Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be $£10 in the kitchen, £20 in the living room and £50 in the bedroom."
"Well, then," he said. "Here's £50."
The wife began walking to the bedroom.
"Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. "I'll have five times in the kitchen!"

[dezwez]

1 hour ago, Rondy said:

A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.
"Don't you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer.
"Oh, I still love him," she replied, "but all he ever wants is make love, I can't take it anymore."
"Instead of divorcing him, why don't you try charging him every time he wants to make love?" the lawyer suggested.
The wife decided to give the plan a try.
As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband sidled up to her.
"Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be $£10 in the kitchen, £20 in the living room and £50 in the bedroom."
"Well, then," he said. "Here's £50."
The wife began walking to the bedroom.
"Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. "I'll have five times in the kitchen!"

👍

[Rondy]

I hate hotel bath towels.
They’re so thick I can hardly close my suitcase.

[dezwez]

2 hours ago, Rondy said:

I hate hotel bath towels.
They’re so thick I can hardly close my suitcase.

so true 🙂

[unofix]

I've been thinking about reducing my carbon footprint for some time. So today I bought some smaller shoes

[Rondy]

A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African jungle.

"Can you imagine, a people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? And grind up grass seed, make it into paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals?"

When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly, "What I've been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs and buttered toast."

[eddie eastwood]

[Rondy]

"Hey, fatty. Fatty, fatty, fatty."

"That's fighting talk where I come from, pal."

"Its fighting talk where I come from, too."

"Why aren't you fighting, then?"

"Well, I don't live there any more."

[Rondy]

Sergeant: "Private, I think the enemy soldiers are hiding in the woods. I want you to go in there and flush them out for us."
Private: "Yes, sir! But if you see a bunch of guys running out the woods, don’t shoot the one in front, sir!"

[Rondy]

I was reading an article last night about fathers and daughters and memories came flooding back of the time I took my daughter out for her first pint.
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Fosters. She didn't like it... so I had it.
Then I got her a Carling Black Label, she didn't like it... so I had it.
It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider.
By the time we got down to the Scotch I could hardly push the pram back home.

[Rondy]

It's Christmas eve, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.

"Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."

"Okay," says the butcher, "let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

"That one is too skinny. What else have you got?" says the man.

The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.

"Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You'd better give me both of them!"

[Rondy]

My doctor was giving me a hard time about my health. To get back on his good side I bought a puppy and named him 'Five Miles'.
That way, when I went to see my doctor I could tell him, "I walk five miles every morning!"

[dezwez]

On 6/24/2021 at 1:24 PM, Rondy said:

Sergeant: "Private, I think the enemy soldiers are hiding in the woods. I want you to go in there and flush them out for us."
Private: "Yes, sir! But if you see a bunch of guys running out the woods, don’t shoot the one in front, sir!"

Lol

[dezwez]

23 hours ago, Rondy said:

I was reading an article last night about fathers and daughters and memories came flooding back of the time I took my daughter out for her first pint.
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Fosters. She didn't like it... so I had it.
Then I got her a Carling Black Label, she didn't like it... so I had it.
It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider.
By the time we got down to the Scotch I could hardly push the pram back home.

😂

[dezwez]

15 minutes ago, Rondy said:

My doctor was giving me a hard time about my health. To get back on his good side I bought a puppy and named him 'Five Miles'.
That way, when I went to see my doctor I could tell him, "I walk five miles every morning!"

nice one

[Rondy]

Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."