Have a laugh

[Rondy]

It’s been raining for days now and my wife seems very depressed by it...
She keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let her in.

[Alexis94040]

One day a Lady with her 5 years old son enters a taxi.

After a while son asks his mom "Mom can i leave a "pigeon" (*****)  free???"

And mom "Of course my son, let it free!!"

After a while again "Mom can i leave a "pigeon" (*****)  free???"

And mom "Of course my son, let it free!!"

After a while again "Mom can i leave a "pigeon" (*****)  free???" 

And mom "Of course my son, let it free!!"

And the angry taxi driver " Madam, tell your son that, the next time he is going to let a "pigeon" free i will destroy its nest!!!!"

 

 

[Rondy]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase...in time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
 

[dezwez]

On 6/21/2021 at 1:25 PM, Rondy said:

A woman answered the front door to find a workman standing on the porch and carrying a box of tools.
"I'm the piano tuner ma'am" he announced.
"But I didn't send for a piano tuner."
"I know, but your  neighbours did!"

🤣

[Rondy]

One man said to another, "I didn't sleep with my wife before I got married. How about you?"
The man replied, "I don't know. What was her maiden name?"

[Rondy]

While sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Padraig remarked to a fellow club member, "I'm not going to play golf with Jim Lawler anymore. He cheats."
"Why do you say that?" asked his friend.
"Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green," replied Padraig indignantly.
"That's entirely possible," commented his friend.
"Not when I had his golf ball in my pocket," retorted Padraig.

[eddie eastwood]

[Rondy]

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many  have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.
 

[Marty...]

[Rondy]

As their washing machine was playing up, my mate's wife asked him to drop his trousers off at the dry cleaners.

He got a nice round of applause from the ladies there but he's banned from there now.

[Rondy]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: "Hello."
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes."
Woman: "I'm at the shopping centre now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2021 models. I saw one I really liked."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "£65,000."
Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000."
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer £900,000."
Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
Man: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[Rondy]

An older couple is lying in bed one morning.
They had just awakened from a good night's sleep

He takes her hand and she responds, 'Don't touch me.'
'Why not?' he asked.
She answered, 'Because I'm dead.'

The husband asked...'What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!'
She said, 'No, I'm definitely dead.'
He insisted, 'You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?'


'Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.'

[dezwez]

1 hour ago, Rondy said:

An older couple is lying in bed one morning.
They had just awakened from a good night's sleep

He takes her hand and she responds, 'Don't touch me.'
'Why not?' he asked.
She answered, 'Because I'm dead.'

The husband asked...'What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!'
She said, 'No, I'm definitely dead.'
He insisted, 'You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?'


'Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.'

lol

[dezwez]

6 hours ago, Rondy said:

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: "Hello."
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes."
Woman: "I'm at the shopping centre now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2021 models. I saw one I really liked."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "£65,000."
Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000."
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer £900,000."
Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
Man: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

😂

[dezwez]

On 6/27/2021 at 3:47 PM, Rondy said:

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many  have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.
 

lol

[Rondy]

A man was watching TV and enjoying a beer. "Don't go," he yelled at the screen. "Do not enter that building. Walk away. Argh, you stupid man!"
His wife called from the kitchen, "What on earth are you watching?"
"Our wedding video."

[Rondy]

 

Daughter: "What does ***** mean?"
Me: "Well you know mum and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way."
Daughter: "So what's penetrating *****?"
Me: "Er..........umm, read me the whole sentence."
Daughter: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze."
Me: "Oh bugger!"

[Rondy]

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of hay. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Will!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you," Will answered. "But I don't think my dad would like me to."

"Aw, come on." the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But dad won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Will thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my dad is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbour said with a smile. "By the way, where is your old man?"

Will replied, "Under the wagon."

[eddie eastwood]

[Rondy]

Cop: "I'm sorry sir, but your wife has been involved in a fatal car accident and we'd like you to come with us so you can identify the body."
Husband: "I'm a bit busy right now. Can't you take a photo and tag me on facebook? If it's her I'll click 'Like."

[Rondy]

Last Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as "Rocky" in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some sweets, he returned for more. "Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel, Rocky 2. I'll be back three more times tonight as well."

[eddie eastwood]

[Wino]

14 minutes ago, eddie eastwood said:

I thought that was normal 🤔

[Rondy]

A man enters a chemist and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms.
The Pharmacist asks, "What size?"
The man replies, "I do not know."
Well, take this board with holes and go to the bathroom and measure.
In 10 minutes the man comes back and tells the pharmacist, "I have changed my mind, forget the condoms. How much is this board?"

[Rondy]

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his  office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"