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Rondy
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10 minutes ago, Rondy said:

Found on the Noticeboard
There will be a procession next Sunday afternoon in the grounds of the Parish Church. If it rains in the afternoon the procession will take place in the morning.

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2 hours ago, Rondy said:

Breaking news: police officers attend a murder scene in a village, suspected death of a Deliveroo driver.

When asked why they thought the man worked for Deliveroo, one of the officers clarified:

"It's late in the day, his body is cold and parts of him are missing."

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I arrived home late last evening after the first of the xmas sojurns- a group of people that I hardly knew.
I felt a bit lonesome and after watching one of those spiritual shows on satelitte I decided to hold my own seance.
I've got a large round kitchen table but no Oiuja board.
So I opened a can of Alphabetti Spaghetti and carefully laid the letters around the outside of the table.
An upturned scotch glass was positioned in the centre and I asked the question:-
"Is there anybody there?"
Nothing happened for minutes, then, palm of my hand on the base of the tumbler it moved....
Quicker and quicker it circled the circumference in a specific method. I struggled to keep up as I wrote down the letters.
Finally the glass came to rest and exhausted and in a state of shock I sat back and looked at the message that I had written...
It read:-
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Bugger !! I'd opened a tin of spaghetti hoops.

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1 hour ago, Rondy said:

I arrived home late last evening after the first of the xmas sojurns- a group of people that I hardly knew.
I felt a bit lonesome and after watching one of those spiritual shows on satelitte I decided to hold my own seance.
I've got a large round kitchen table but no Oiuja board.
So I opened a can of Alphabetti Spaghetti and carefully laid the letters around the outside of the table.
An upturned scotch glass was positioned in the centre and I asked the question:-
"Is there anybody there?"
Nothing happened for minutes, then, palm of my hand on the base of the tumbler it moved....
Quicker and quicker it circled the circumference in a specific method. I struggled to keep up as I wrote down the letters.
Finally the glass came to rest and exhausted and in a state of shock I sat back and looked at the message that I had written...
It read:-
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Bugger !! I'd opened a tin of spaghetti hoops.

πŸ˜€

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THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS:

On the first day of Christmas my true love said to me, I'm glad we've bought a turkey and a proper Christmas tree.

On the second day of Christmas much laughter could be heard as we tucked into our turkey - a most delicious bird.

On the third day of Christmas we'd friends in from next door. The turkey tasted just as good as on the day before.

On the fourth day of Christmas Gran came, she's rather old. We finished up the Christmas pud and ate the turkey cold.

On the fifth day of Christmas outside the snowflakes flurried but we were nice and warm inside - we ate the turkey - curried.

On the sixth day of Christmas the turkey spirit died. The children fought and bickered and we ate the turkey - fried.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave a wince when he sat down to dinner and was given turkey mince.

On the eighth day of Christmas the dog ran off for shelter. I served up turkey pancakes and a glass of Alka Seltzer.

On the ninth day of Christmas poor Dad began to cry. He said he couldn't stand the strain of eating turkey pie.

On the tenth day of Christmas the air was rather blue and everybody grumbled at eating turkey stew.

On the eleventh day of Christmas the Christmas tree was moulting. Mince pies as hard as rock and the turkey quite revolting.

On the twelfth day of Christmas at last Dad smacked his lips. The guests had gone, the turkey too - we dined on fish and chips!

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6 minutes ago, Rondy said:

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS:

On the first day of Christmas my true love said to me, I'm glad we've bought a turkey and a proper Christmas tree.

On the second day of Christmas much laughter could be heard as we tucked into our turkey - a most delicious bird.

On the third day of Christmas we'd friends in from next door. The turkey tasted just as good as on the day before.

On the fourth day of Christmas Gran came, she's rather old. We finished up the Christmas pud and ate the turkey cold.

On the fifth day of Christmas outside the snowflakes flurried but we were nice and warm inside - we ate the turkey - curried.

On the sixth day of Christmas the turkey spirit died. The children fought and bickered and we ate the turkey - fried.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave a wince when he sat down to dinner and was given turkey mince.

On the eighth day of Christmas the dog ran off for shelter. I served up turkey pancakes and a glass of Alka Seltzer.

On the ninth day of Christmas poor Dad began to cry. He said he couldn't stand the strain of eating turkey pie.

On the tenth day of Christmas the air was rather blue and everybody grumbled at eating turkey stew.

On the eleventh day of Christmas the Christmas tree was moulting. Mince pies as hard as rock and the turkey quite revolting.

On the twelfth day of Christmas at last Dad smacked his lips. The guests had gone, the turkey too - we dined on fish and chips!

πŸ™‚

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Did you hear about the quarry company that went out of business ?
They've really hit rock bottom.
__________

My mate has a new girlfriend, who works on the bin lorries. The trouble is he can never remember if he's taking her out on Wednesday or Thursday....
__________

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was a one night stand....
__________

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1 hour ago, Rondy said:

Did you hear about the quarry company that went out of business ?
They've really hit rock bottom.
__________

My mate has a new girlfriend, who works on the bin lorries. The trouble is he can never remember if he's taking her out on Wednesday or Thursday....
__________

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was a one night stand....
__________

πŸ˜ƒ

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I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
___
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.
____
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "Sure, skip, hop, jump, whatever!"
____
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
____
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on and on.
____
I knocked on the door of a B&B, the landlady opened the bedroom window upstairs and said "Can I help you?". I asked "Can I stay here?" She said "yes" and closed the window.
_____

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1 hour ago, Rondy said:

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
___
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.
____
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "Sure, skip, hop, jump, whatever!"
____
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
____
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on and on.
____
I knocked on the door of a B&B, the landlady opened the bedroom window upstairs and said "Can I help you?". I asked "Can I stay here?" She said "yes" and closed the window.
_____

πŸ˜ƒ

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A widowed lady, Sarah, was sitting on a beach towel on Rhyl Beach. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, spread his blanket on the sand nearby, and had begun reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you" he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" Sarah asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year" he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live local." he answered, and resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied "How did you know my name is Katz?"

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2 hours ago, Rondy said:

A widowed lady, Sarah, was sitting on a beach towel on Rhyl Beach. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, spread his blanket on the sand nearby, and had begun reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you" he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" Sarah asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year" he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live local." he answered, and resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied "How did you know my name is Katz?"

πŸ˜‚

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A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
"Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
"Oh dad," the boy sobbed,
"when I was 6 I got the 'There's no Santa' speech.
At 7, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
When I was 8, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech.
If you tell me that grown-ups don't really have s*x with each other, I'll have nothing left to live for."

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