Tuesdays Jokes

[Rikos]

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards.

The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.

The following are this year's candidates:-

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.

Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He

subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle.

The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of

Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth.

This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

This year's favourite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.

Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee.

Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned.

Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this.

The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.

[Rikos]

FROM THE MALE SIDE

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side. Please note: these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE.

#1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

#1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

#1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

#1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think that way.

#1. Crying is blackmail.

#1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it! We'll get it for you, but just LET US KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!!!!

#1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

#1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

#1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Please pick one.

#1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

#1. A headache that lasts for seventeen months is a problem. See a doctor.

#1. Let us know about that funny noise in your car engine as soon as you hear it.

#1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.

#1. If you won't dress like the Hollyoakes girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

#1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer, but still love you.

#1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

#1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

#1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

#1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

#1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.

#1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

#1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

#1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

#1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

#1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really, you look fine!!!

#1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

#1. FORMULA 1 is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

#1. I AM in shape. ROUND is a shape.

[Rikos]

A young boy went up to his father and asked: "What is the difference

between potentially and realistically?"

The father pondered for a while, then answered: "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked: "Mum, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"

The mother replied: "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an

opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and said: "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied: "Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would have to be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!".

The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad. His father asked him: "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars,

but realistically we're living with two slappers."

The father replied, "That's my boy!"