Joke Thread

[catch]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River Thames

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.

We're the same age, and we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the river near the car park by Westminster.'

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' said the big Croc.

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.

Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the !Removed! out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment.

See, by the time you finish shaking the !Removed! out of a

Politician, there's nothing left but an a###hole and a briefcase!!.

Edited September 14, 2014 by Stoney871
minor language tweak

[Stoney871]

Mr Jones bumps into his Doctor in Sainsburys and get chatting.

Doctor: Ah Mr Jones, I have to tell you I got your Wifes test results muddled up with another Mrs Jones.

I have to inform you she either has Dementia or HIV.

Mr Jones: Well how can I tell?

Doctor: Drop her 5 miles from your house and if she finds her way home then don't sleep with her.

[Fusion_Driver72]

that's a good one, Stoney :)

how about the one in my picture ?

little explaination........ everyone knows who Obama is, but Mark Rutte is our dutch Prime Minister
and we are so happy with him NOT

[SandyCat]

How can you recognise a transvestite in Manchester?

They have a wigan address.

[SeanW]

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ? Where do they go? Wonder no more!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact

with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice,

using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

[Andy.B1971]

Firstly NO OFFENCE :P

What's the difference between Batman and a Scouser ????

Batman can go out without robin (robbing)

[Stoney871]

Ooohh!

[Andy.B1971]

LOLOL I know I know I did say no offence though

[Stoney871]

There is this one Scouser (sorry) joke I know.

Two scousers arrive at the pearly gates and ask to be admitted.

St Peter being a bit worried goes to ask God for his opinion.

God gives the thumbs up and St Peter goes away to tell the scousers they can come in.

5 minutes later he rushes back to god and says 'they've gone'.

'What the scousers?' Says God.

'No!' Says St Peter, 'The !Removed! gates!'

[Andy.B1971]

lolololol love it !!!!

[Andy.B1971]

what comes out of your nose at 196 MPH .........a Lambogreeny ....

what do you call a bloke with a seagull on his head ...... Cliff

what do you call a bloke with a spade in his head .......Doug

What do you call a bloke without a spade in his head .... Douglas

old ones are the good ones lol

[SeanW]

Whaddya call a bloke with a car on his head?

Jack

Whaddya call a bloke who doesn't drown?

Bob

[Stoney871]

The Queen is touring Broadmoor and is being shown around a ward by the Administrator.

As she walks past one bed the occupant jumps up, thrusts his hand into the front of his pyjama top and shouts 'I am Napoleon'.

'Who told you that?' asks HMtQ.

'God!' shouts the loony.

'I said no such thing!' shouts the occupant of the next bed.

[Marks12]

I hope you guys/gals get this.

A man aged 55 goes down to his local butchers does 50 push ups then asks the butcher

.

"How old do you think I am?"

He then goes down to the bookies and does the same 50 more push ups and asks the guy behind the counter

"How old do you think I am?"

He then heads down to the local supermarket to get milk puts his milk on the counter and does 50 push ups and asks the assistant

"How old do you think I am?"

this time he was approached by an elderly lady she puts her hand down his pants and fiddles with his junk and replies

"your 55"

he says "wow you know all that by fiddling with my junk"

she says "No i was in the butchers at the same time as you where"

(sorry that its a bit rude i tried to avoid using other rude language hence the *junk*)

[Stoney871]

A Matelot (look it up ;)), dies and goes to heaven.

St Peter asks him what he'd like in his personal eternal environment so he can have a blissful afterlife.

The Matelot asks that he never has to share afterlife with any Royal Marines as he hated them in life and has no intention of suffering them in death.

St Peter creates the Matelot's personal heaven for him and tells him that when he awakes in the morning everything will be perfect.

The next morning he awakes to the sound of someone shouting 'LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT, ABOUT TURN, HALT, ATTENSHUN, FALL OUT THE OFFICERS!!'.

The matelot looks out of the window to see someone in a Royal Marines uniform marching up and down and gets suitably annoyed.

He storms off to find St Peter ang give him a piece of his mind.

He berates St Peter at great length and then allows him the chance to explain.

'That's not a Royal Marine' says St Peter ' that's God, he just thinks he's a Royal Marine'

[FOCA]

A topical one -

There is only 25-100 years of oil left in the north sea

But England only has 5 days worth left!

[SeanW]

A Matelot (look it up ;)), dies and goes to heaven.

St Peter asks him what he'd like in his personal eternal environment so he can have a blissful afterlife.

The Matelot asks that he never has to share afterlife with any Royal Marines as he hated them in life and has no intention of suffering them in death.

St Peter creates the Matelot's personal heaven for him and tells him that when he awakes in the morning everything will be perfect.

The next morning he awakes to the sound of someone shouting 'LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT, ABOUT TURN, HALT, ATTENSHUN, FALL OUT THE OFFICERS!!'.

The matelot looks out of the window to see someone in a Royal Marines uniform marching up and down and gets suitably annoyed.

He storms off to find St Peter ang give him a piece of his mind.

He berates St Peter at great length and then allows him the chance to explain.

'That's not a Royal Marine' says St Peter ' that's God, he just thinks he's a Royal Marine'

Muscles

Are

Required,

Intelligence

Not

Essential

--or--

My

Assault

Rifle

Is

Not

Edible

[Marks12]

ok here is one now its quite rude but funny i hope you guys get it.

Seamus O'Sullivan hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

Seamus said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, Seamus!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of Seamus's drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Seamus won the
prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[Marks12]

ok heres another one not so rude this time....

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!' 'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

[Fusion_Driver72]

Marks12 !! Great Jokes !! very funny :D :D

[Marks12]

Marks12 !! Great Jokes !! very funny :D :D

Thanks I'll post more when I think of them

[Lenny]

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was After Eight. They got off at Quality Street. He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said with a Wispa. "I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts" he replied. He touched her Creme Eggs and slipped his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight and he shot his chewy centre. But 3 days later his sherbert dib-dab started to itch.Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he's got Allsorts.

[MartynS]

hahaha best one yet

[Marks12]

OK here's another one.

Paddy Irish man, paddy Englishman and paddy Scotsman where working in construction they where having there lunch on the 20th floor scafolding.

Paddy Irishman opens his lunch and says "if I get corn beef and stuffing one more fookin time I'm going to jump of this to my death"

Paddy English man opens his lunch and says "if I get ham and English mustard one more fookin time I'll do the same"

Paddy Scotsman opens his lunch and says "if I get turkey and hagis again I'll fookin jump to my death"

So the next day at lunch time.

Paddy Irish man opens his lunch to see corn beef and stuffing so he jumps to his death.

Paddy English man sees that he's got ham and English mustard and jumps to his death.

Paddy Scotsman sees he's got turkey and haggis and jumps to his death.

So a few days later at there funerals paddy Englishmans wife gets up and says

"If only I had known he wanted something different from English mustard I would have given it to him."

Paddy Scotsman's wife says "aye if I had known he hated the hagis so much I could have given him cheese"

So everyone looks at paddy Irishman's wife and she says

"Don't look at me he makes his own fookin lunch"