Rondy

I recently spent £6,500 on my Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young. So he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... all I can tell you is they kind of taste like peppermint.

Anthony Albanese the chirpy Australian Prime Minister, flies to England for a meeting with the king. Over a cup of tea, Albanese brings up his grand new plans for his country. "Your Majesty, mate, can we turn Australia into a kingdom, in order to increase its force in the world market?" The king shakes his head and replies, "One needs a king for a kingdom, Mr Howard and unfortunately you are most certainly not a king." Not to be dissuaded, Anthony asks, "Would it be possible just to transform Australia into an empire then?" "No, you chubby-faced chap," snorts the King Charles, "for an empire you need an emperor, and you are most certainly not an emperor." Howard thinks for a moment and then asks if it is possible to to turn Australia into a principality. The king replies, "For a principality, you need a prince, and you Mr Howard are definitely not a prince." Pausing for a sip of her tea, His Majesty then adds: "I don't mean to appear rude but having met both you and several other Australians, I do think Australia is perfectly suited as a country..."

Our WiFi went down last night and all the kids came running out their rooms. Blimey, they haven't half grown!

A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called the head waiter to his table. "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so overcooked, it's tough and hard to eat. Also, give me some grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm." "That's a complicated order, Sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult to prepare." The guest replied, "Oh, it shouldn't be a problem that's what I got yesterday!!"

Two Irish men, Mick and Paddy are having a drink and watching the football at Mick's house. At full time Paddy gets up to go home but notices it's bouncing down with rain outside. "Stay the night here." Says Mick. "I'll go and make up a bed for you." When Mick comes back down the stairs Paddy is drenched to the bone. Mick says: "What the hell happened to you?" Paddy replies: "I nipped home for my pyjamas."

I'm reaching out on behalf of a mate of mine who needs some help. His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back he handed her some diet pills. Anyway he's now looking for a place to live.

"You know, I think everyone should divide their worldly goods with the other fellow," said an office worker to another. "That's a good idea. If you had two thousand pounds would you give me half?" "Sure." "And if you had two cars, would you give me one?" "Sure." "And if you had two shirts, would you give me one?" "No." "No? Why?" "Because I do have two shirts."

When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I took off my shoes, coat trousers and underwear. I crept upstairs very quietly. It was only when I got to the top of the stairs I realised I was on a damn bus. ___ When the Surgeon told me he was going to perform Keyhole surgery, I was relieved to hear he had studied at Yale. ___ I invented the glove. OK, I'm lying, but I did have a hand in it. ___

First my wife said she'd lost her lipstick, then it was her mascara and now she's looking for her blusher. I wish she'd mind her makeup. ___ I thought I’d throw the ball into the crowd after a good game like the professionals do. Now I’m banned from the bowling alley. ___ My doctor charged me for removing a plaster. What a rip off. ___ I took the lift up to the 14th floor, my office is on the 15th floor, but, that's another storey. ___ My son told me he just watched a guy do 100 straight push-ups, and asked me if I could do that… “Sure, son.” I said. “Hell, I could probably watch a guy do 500 straight pushups.” ___

Don't join the new TESCO dating service, my mate did and he ended up with a bag for life.

My wife said she was fed up with me always getting my directions mixed up.. So I packed my bags and right. ___ My wife wants me to take her to Las Vegas to see The Temptations for her birthday. Instead, I'm going to Primark to get her four tops. ___ With all this wind I'm worried about the caravan in our garden! We didn't have one yesterday. ___ The British army is very secretive. I asked an officer for the title of the entry rank and he told me, “That ‘s private!” ___ The cost of living crisis has become so bad that the wife is having s*x with me because she can't afford the batteries! ___

Jack takes his friend, Tom to show his newly constructed Bungalow. Reaching main gate: Jack: "this flower garden has awesome flowers imported from different corners of the world". Tom: " Wow!!! " They enters the Bungalow: Jack: " this my beautiful drawing room and there is a guestroom with attached baths". Jack opens his bedroom to find his wife having s*x with another man. Disgusted Jack: "the one lying under is my beautiful wife and the one on the top is ME". ___ Another night Jack came home early to surprise his wife, upon finding her in the bedroom all hot and bothered He noticed a cigar in the ashtray, saying to her, if I don’t find out where this cigar came from someone’s gonna get killed, A voice from under the bed states, “Havana“! ___

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like dat cute widdle bwown wabbit over der?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thyit."

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Dublin baby boy" Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks... so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds". The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born." The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whiskey, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says... "We had him circumcised”…..

A frantic blonde woman calls out a May day. "Mt pilot has had a heart attack and is dead. I don't know how to fly this thing." She hears a voice on the radio saying: "This is air traffic control, I hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. Everything will be fine, what is your height and position?" The blonde says: "I'm 5' 4" and I'm in the front seat." After a long pause: "OK" says the voice on the radio. "Now repeat after me." "Our father who art in heaven............................"