Not sure if you of you have seen this eBay advert or how long it will be on before eBay remove it but this tickled me when I read it...

 

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/2004-SMART-ROADSTER-PIECE-OF-EXCREMENT-ONLY-SELLING-AS-MY-WIFE-HAS-LEFT-ME-/291787514817?hash=item43efe423c1%3Ag%3AM9QAAOSwQupXWWxP&clk_rvr_id=1045319669407&rmvSB=true&ul_ref=http%3A%2F%2Frover.ebay.com%2Frover%2F1%2F710-53481-19255-0%2F1%3Ftype%3D4%26campid%3D5336483356%26toolid%3D10001%26customid%3D%26mpre%3Dhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.ebay.co.uk%252Fitm%252F2004-SMART-ROADSTER-PIECE-OF-EXCREMENT-ONLY-SELLING-AS-MY-WIFE-HAS-LEFT-ME-%252F291787514817%253Fhash%253Ditem43efe423c1%253Ag%253AM9QAAOSwQupXWWxP%26srcrot%3D710-53481-19255-0%26rvr_id%3D1045319669407&ul_noapp=true

 

Moderator note: The above link is NSFW and not family friendly, the second post contains a censored version.

Edited June 13, 20169 yr by alexp999
added warning

This is a really sad story, but the amazing thing is that the writer has not lost his sense of humour despite very trying circumstances. The humour may be of the graveyard or battlefield variety, trying to make the best of an appalling situation. But anyone who can do that should, after getting blind drunk as he promises, and provided he does not pick up some dreadful disease from the "hookers" he also promises, eventually make a good recovery. I certainly hope so.

I have taken the liberty of copying the text here, as the Ebay listing will soon go. If anyone thinks that is wrong, message me & I will edit it out. It is a bit close to the mark in a few places, but well written enough to get away with it, I think.

As a sales pitch, it takes some beating, but there are currently 47 bids on the car!

Welcome to my eBay listing for this absolute disgrace of a car, which is the only thing of any value I have left after my darling ex left me in ruins.

This ridiculous piece of German engineered campness would ideally suit any hairdresser/florist or person with little or no dignity. Unfortunately it does not suit me as I am 6"4 and 32 stone. I cant actually get in it without putting one of my legs in the passenger side and having the roof off.

I hate this car nearly as much as I hate my ex who I bought it for, and to be honest she didn't like it that much either so she took my car in the split.

 

Anyway, about the car.. It is a 54 plate Smart Roadster in black, with Targa roof. If somebody doesn't buy it, I'm going to take a hammer to it as it really is a .... When I bought it for her from auction, the turbo blew up on the way home resulting in a cloud of white smoke that looked like one of those vaping ... who stands outside Wetherspoons and fills the whole street with fake smoke. It was a total nightmare, but a new turbo was ordered and it was taken to my local village garage to be fixed.

 

It took the goons at the garage nearly a year (yes you a ... year) to work out how to fix it during which time me and the ex fell out of love. Well actually that's a lie, she fell in love with her personal trainer who looks just like Beppe out of Eastenders (remember Beppe?). So she's legged it. I've now got the car back and my works van, and she took my car in the split.

 

I can not be seen driving this car, I have a reputation as a geezer to maintain, but actually, I physically can't drive this car, I look like Donkey Kong from Mario Kart. I'm worried that if I go to sit in it.. that it might actually just disappear up my ... never to be seen again.. so either way it has to go and if it's not gone in 2 weeks, I am going to abandon it the same way as I was abandoned because apparently some little muscley cross fit ... with a goaty is now ... my ex..

 

Apart from the new turbo it has had a service and new battery and fresh 12 months MOT which is great because it means you can have a whole year of driving around looking like a prize ... before the car inevitably breaks in some catastrophic way again, hopefully resulting in injury. (because you'd deserve it for wanting to drive such a piece of absolute ...)

 

There is no warranty given with this car, as it has been fixed by men who frankly guessed how to do it and at one point rang me to tell me they had to "put the turbo on backwards if that was ok" and on another occasion "had to cut a bit off the engine to make it fit ok"

 

The car does still smoke a bit, but that's only on start up, or if you pull away from a junction, or if you accelerate hard in a straight line, or uphill. So basically drive it steadily on the flat and it stops smoking after a bit until you do anything different. It also sounds a bit rattley, my expert mechanics told me that it's "normal because these cars have ... engines" and "the noise might be a screw or bolt they haven't tightened but they can't remember" which I'm sure will give you great peace of mind. 

 

It might be a bit mouldy inside and it was quite damp (wet) inside as it sat uncovered with a badly designed cloth roof offering it's only shelter from the winter weather. It has no paperwork other than the V5 and Mot. It is very uncomfortable, in fact I'd describe it as like being in a little go-kart only without the element of fun, unless for you the fun is never knowing if the car will explode or something will fall off it?

 

You could buy this car for someone else as a gift, especially if you don't like them very much and you wanted them to leave you all alone and sad, as apparently that is the effect it has.. 

 

I intend to use the money raised from the sale of this car to commission the services of some ... for a weekend of madness in our marital home, as well as buying lots of scotch whisky and lemonade to drink myself into a coma/early grave, so please don't expect to return the car a few days after the sale as I won't be in any condition to communicate, the money will be gone and if all goes to plan I will be too, not dead, I will have gone on a package holiday to Spain in search of more ....

 

Good luck with the bidding, please don't ask me any stupid questions, I've told you everything I know come and drive it if you want..

 

Keep scrolling down to see lots of enlarged photos of this wretched car...

 

Edited June 13, 20169 yr by alexp999
cleaned up language

Lol, that's the best one I've seen for a while!  

Talking of humorous car related stories, has anyone else heard of the one about the Landrover, Hot Waxoyl and the Cat?

Don't worry, no humans or animals were hurt in the story, apart from in dignity.

I can try to find it again, if there is a demand. It had me rolling out of my chair.

 

Genius!

I've cleaned up the language and added a warning to the first post.

Apart from a bit of fruity language, the item description makes for quite an entertaining read.

Do have my slight doubts on whether it is genuine or not though, however it has probably increased the interest in the car, so will have had the desired effect either way.

Sorry Alex I never thought about the language in the advert..

I know it's a sad story in some ways but just thought it may brighten a few people's day up...

40 minutes ago, alexp999 said:

I've cleaned up the language and added a warning to the first post.

Apart from a bit of fruity language, the item description makes for quite an entertaining read.

Do have my slight doubts on whether it is genuine or not though, however it has probably increased the interest in the car, so will have had the desired effect either way.

think we could it is genuine 48 bids on car 25 on ex wife's junk

This is gold.

Excellent post Stuart absolutely funny as a funny thing. That guy is talented in his advertising techniques.

Love it

I always said if I won the lottery I would spend it on booze and women, and then waste the rest✌🏼️

See my parts for sale on thread "philf1s Spirit Blue Fiesta ST180 parts for sale"

Pure comedy gold.

It reminds me of the wedding dress ebay listing, from a couple of years ago, anyone remember that one?

 

How about the amazon review for Veet. Now that was a classic, I still grin thinking of it now.

Click http://amzn.to/1twcHGg

1 hour ago, Joss max said:

How about the amazon review for Veet. Now that was a classic, I still grin thinking of it now.

Click http://amzn.to/1twcHGg

Crying with laughter at this one

On 15 June 2016 at 3:46 PM, Joss max said:

How about the amazon review for Veet. Now that was a classic, I still grin thinking of it now.

Click http://amzn.to/1twcHGg

That's just class....

Divorce sucks its all one sided to the fairer sx

4 hours ago, volts said:

Divorce sucks its all one sided to the fairer sx

BS

Ooops volts. Think you just upset a member of the fairer sx.