Wednesday, Thursday, Friday Jokes

[Rikos]

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after

a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix

her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one

Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible

hand when she notices the time.

"Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to

be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her

friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.

When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not

enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the

cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food.

In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and

garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling

up.

She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then

she realizes he is loving it! "Mmmm, darling, this is the best

dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You

can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night

they had s*x for the first time in months and it was great!

Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this

dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and

they are all horrified.

"You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your

chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and

then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.

Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women

the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being

so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that

cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit

there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your

husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel

when he was licking his !Removed!."

[Rikos]

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he

preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike

cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and

nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew

leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will

he hurt us?"

[Rikos]

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to

a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared

for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a

tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window

overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after

a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and

straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she

starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and

once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting

to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you !Removed!"

[Rikos]

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland -- "Left", so they turned around and went home.

[Rikos]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate

father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to

arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be

here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby

photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of

babies"

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the

couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is

fun too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we

try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different

angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"

"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in

and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his

baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their

mother was so difficult to work with"

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job

done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get

a good look"

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The

mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.

Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the

squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,

um......equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we

can get to work."

"Tripod?????"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for

me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's

fainted!!"

[Rikos]

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife

in bed with another man.

"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."

"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what

if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with

your wife?"

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane

and kick his seeing-eye dog in the !Removed!."

[Rikos]

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store

laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's

no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and

once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of

the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him

to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts

cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the

guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.

"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.

The clerk replies "Your house."

[Rikos]

A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in

it. He turns around to

push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her

breast. He says, "Oh, I'm

so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be

able to forgive me." She

looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your !Removed!

is as hard as your

elbow, I'm in room 204."

[Rikos]

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,

I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know

how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some

fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you

are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,

I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots

whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in

the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots

to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying

that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman

responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's

house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were

inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out

in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some

fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked

over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,

Francis, our prayers have been answered!"