Rondy Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 This guy was staggering along the road, much the worse for the drink, throwing empty beer cans into the street and falling into peoples gardens. His singing gained the attention of a passing policeman who decided to question him. "What do you think you're doing there?" the policeman asked. "I'm on my annual works outing" came the slurred reply. "Then" the policeman queried, "where are all the others?" "Ah" the man grinned, "You see officer, I'm self employed!" ___ Scientists say that it may be possible to live on Mars…I tried it for a month and put on three stone! ___ I’ve just found out that Steffi Graf has a sister named Polly, and I’m not lying. ___ Prince Andrew has broken the rules. He’s taken Joe public for fools! His life is a mess, It’s time to confess… To where he put his Crown Jewels! ___ My wife got so fed up of my obsession with planes she took off. ___ I was in a Café happily dipping my biscuits in other people's tea and they called the police... Said I was Dunkin' disorderly. ___ 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eddie eastwood Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eddie eastwood Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eddie eastwood Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rondy Posted January 31 Author Share Posted January 31 My mate just got sacked from the Pet shop The owner caught him with his hands in the trill ! ___ Me at 16- “This radio is playing my favourite song” Me at 21- “This bar is playing my favourite song” Me today- “This supermarket is playing my favourite song” ___ To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present... It's due back at the library tomorrow. ___ There were three men on an airplane somewhere above the atlantic ocean. Suddenly The Grim Reaper appears on the plane. He says"Before I take you all with me 'll give you a chance to survive. Each one of you will throw something to the ocean and if I find it you will die". The first one throws a needle. Death goes down to the ocean searching for it. After a couple of minutes he comes back with the needle The second one throws a hair. Death goes down and after ten minutes he comes back with the hair The third one throws quickly something and Death goes down again. About an hour later he comes back and says to the guy "Ok you win, I'll let you live.But tell me what did you throw? The guy says "An Alka Seltzer tablet" ___ 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Turvey Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eddie eastwood Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eddie eastwood Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eddie eastwood Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rondy Posted February 1 Author Share Posted February 1 By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant -- an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight beautiful,'...And he sat up all night watching me." 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man anxiously says, "Yes." "Take the poison," says the Rabbi 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 Why don't cannibals eat comedians ? They taste funny. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 A boy comes home from school and tells his mother that he got a part in the school play. "What part?" the mother asked. "I play a Jewish husband," the boy replied. "Go back to school and tell your teacher that you want a speaking role!" 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 "Give me the bad news first." "You've got AIDS." "Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" "You've also got Alzheimer's Disease." "Oh. Well, that's not so bad, at least I don't have AIDS." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no women around to hear him, Is he still wrong? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician, The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine." His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine." Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed." 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 Two cows were talking in the field one day. First Cow: Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around? Second Cow: Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it? 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the sodding porridge yet!!" 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?" The husband replies "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me." 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to go my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, said they could do nothing. I got a cab to go home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..." 1 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eddie eastwood Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eddie eastwood Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eddie eastwood Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eddie eastwood Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rondy Posted February 2 Author Share Posted February 2 Two out of work east European bums decided that they would be better off in a more city location so they hitched a ride. The driver dropped them off in the city's red-light district. A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Hey guy, would you like a hand job?" The bum shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!" A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said, "Hey guy,would you like a *****?" The bum again shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!" After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said, "We'd better go back where we came from. We've only been here 10 minutes and we've been offered two jobs already!" 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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