Rikos Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henny Youngman "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." Sam Kinison "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." James Holt McGavran "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't." Patrick Murray Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Nash The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... Anonymous You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. MiltonBerle Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. Anonymous A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." Anonymous First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rikos Posted September 23, 2008 Author Share Posted September 23, 2008 Two Australian builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit. Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant. Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker. Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder. Phil: - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession. Phil: - Oh! What's that then? Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home? Phil: - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Phil: - It's in a pond! Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then? Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden! Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house? Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself! Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children. Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are hetrosexual Phil: =Yip i am Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work! Phil: - How's that then? Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your s*x life! Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate. Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist! Eric: - What's that then? Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? Eric: - Nope. Phil: - Well then, you're !Removed!. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rikos Posted September 23, 2008 Author Share Posted September 23, 2008 Donald Rumsfeld's successor Robert Gates briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the colour ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Gates, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rikos Posted September 23, 2008 Author Share Posted September 23, 2008 Gary went to see the nurse for his annual health check this morning. She said, "I think that you should stop masturbating" "Why?" he asked "Because I'm trying to examine you!" she replied laugh.gif Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vinnyvangough Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 Brilliant On arrival back home, a spokesman for the USA Paralympic team gave this speech: "TIMMMYYYYYYY" According to research, someone is sexually assaulted every 10 seconds in this country. They must be incredibly good looking. Isn't it just a little ironic to see a group of pro-lifers throwing eggs at an abortion clinic? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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