Have a laugh

[Raistlin]

he first Jewish woman President is elected.

She calls her Mother: "Mama, I've won the elections,

you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony."

"I don't know, what would I wear?"

"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker"

"But I only eat kosher food"

"Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food"

"But how will I get there?"

"I'll send a limo, just come mama"

"Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy.

The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court

Justices and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentleman

on her right. "You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible?"

..."Her brother's a doctor!"

[Raistlin]

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her

husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her

next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're

finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean

her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

[Raistlin]

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the

weekly collection they kept for themselves.

The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few

paces back and pitched the money towards the circle.

Whatlanded in the circle he kept and what landed outside the

circle god kept.

The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same,

except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest

and the money that landed inside the circle god kept.

The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw the money

into the air and what god wants, god takes."

[Raistlin]

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said: "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

[Raistlin]

A guy is sitting in a bar next to a really ugly woman.

She has a parrot on her shoulder.

Woman says: If you can tell me what kind of animal I have on my shoulder...I'll sleep with you."

Guy says: "An alligator?"

Woman says: "Close enough"

[Raistlin]

A man comes home early from work and finds his wife and his best friend in bed.

The man throws up his hands in disbelief and says, "My God Pete, I more-or-less 'have to', but YOU ?"

[Raistlin]

If women don't fool around, and men do fool around, who are the men fooling around with?

[Raistlin]

Did I tell you I had this woman pounding on my door all night last night ?

Yeah, I finally let her out!

[Raistlin]

What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary ?

An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year.

A Sicilian actuary can give you their names...

[Raistlin]

At the ripe old age of 77, grandpa had decided to marry a young girl of 20.

Grandpa's doctor tried to explain that at his age s*x with a young girl could be dangerous, even fatal.

Grandpa, not the slightest bit perturbed replied "Oh well, if she dies, I'll just get myself another one."

[Raistlin]

God said, 'Adam, I want you to do something for Me..'

Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a valley?'

God explained it to him. Then God said,'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a river?'

God explained that to him, and then said,'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God had explained, He said, 'In the cave you will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too.

Then God said, 'I want you to procreate.'

Adam said, 'How do I do that?'

God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river,

and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, 'What is it now?'

And Adam said....

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

'What's a headache ?'

[Rondy]

I went into a caravan showroom the other day and said to the salesman:
"I'd like to buy a motorhome."
He said "Camper?"
I said "Oooo, get you, I'd like to buy a motorhome, sweety."

___

"What am I going to do?" cried my tearful elderly relative.
"My winter allowance won't cover my gas bill?"
"But it is rather large, have you had the heating on full blast or something?" I exclaimed.
"Hardly at all, I've just cooked a few puddings and stuff for some people," she sniffled.
"But the bill's nearly 43 grand!" I scoffed.
"Just how many puddings have you been making Aunt Bessie?"

___

Just off to fix Cat Stevens caravan.
Awning has broken.

___

Paddy meets a girl at a disco. Paddy says: "Is it alright If I walk you home later on?"
The girl replies: "Yes, but no funny business, I'm on my menstrual cycle."
Paddy says: "That's alright, I'll follow you on my moped."

___

A farmer is out checking his fields when he comes across a man dancing naked in front of some farm machinery. 'Hey, what on earth are you doing?' he exclaims. 'Sorry, it's just that my other half and I haven't been getting on well in the bedroom,' the man explains.'So my therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.'

___

I was out with my metal detector today.
I had dug over 20 holes before l remembered l was wearing steel toe cap boots.

___

I think it's awful and disgusting the way people treat Lance Armstrong after all he did, winning seven Tour De France while competing on drugs.
When I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike let alone get on it.

___

 

[eddie eastwood]

[eddie eastwood]

It,s Monday and.......

[eddie eastwood]

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