Rondy Posted May 5 Author Share Posted May 5 When I was younger, I said to my dad: "Can I use the lawnmower to make some extra money?" "Sure son, you go ahead". So I sold it! ___ A guy lives with his wife in the same little town where they both grew up. He has a job in the same town, and occasionally, on his walk home from work, he goes into the bookstore and sneaks a look at “The Joy of s*x” to find a new position to try with his wife. So one evening he arrives home and tells his wife, “I’ve got a new one for us.” “What is it?” she says. “Well, it’s called the Wheelbarrow. Remember when we were kids and you would walk on your hands while I walked behind, holding your legs up? It’s like that.” She says, “I’ll do it, on two conditions. One, if I start to feel uncomfortable at all, we stop.” “Of course, sweetheart. And what else?” “We don’t go past my mum’s house.” ___ The only time i ever get asked for s*x these days is on application forms. ___ A really ugly fat bird came smiling up to me in a nightclub, put her hand on my groin and said, "Have a guess what I want in my mouth tonight?" "I...I...I don't know?" I stuttered. "I'll give you a clue," she laughed, "It has four letters and begins with 'C'" "Oh, that's easy," I said, looking her up and down, "Cake." ___ I don't see why we should have to pay to go on the bus when the Drivers already going that way anyway! ___ Darth vader had a corrupt brother called... (drumroll...) taxi vader. ___ Yorkshireman goes in to a chemist in Barnsley. "Now lad, as thee got sum *** cream? Chemist says "Next door, e does a lovly strawbry softie" ___ A man is sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby wont take it so she says, ''Come on, eat it all up or I'll feed it to this nice man''. Ten minutes later the baby still wont breastfeed, so the woman again says, ''Come on darling, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man!'' To which the man said, ''Listen lady, could you please make your mind up, I should have got off 4 stops ago'' ___ I bought my wife a bag and a belt for her birthday. The Hoover works perfectly now. ___ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eddie eastwood Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eddie eastwood Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eddie eastwood Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 How come Mike Tyson's eyes always water during s*x? Mace... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 What is the difference between a jew and a canoe ? A canoe tips..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 Did you hear about the dyslectic agnostic with insomnia ? He used to lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 What do Israeli soldiers do when they get bored ? They go over to the West Bank & the Gaza Strip and get stoned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 Why do women have smaller feet than men ? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience. On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies. Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's tool, "Oh my", she says, "What is that?" "Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope". She slides her hands further down and gasps. "Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks. "Honey, them's my knots", he answers. Finally, the couple begin to make love. After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute". Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?" "No", the bride replies. "Just undo them damn knots. I need more rope!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with , "A man once told me... " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 NOVICE: Do clever men make good husbands? SAGE: Clever men don't BECOME husbands! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 I said to the doctor "I have this ringing in my ears." He said, "Don't answer it!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I ***** all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?" "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and comeback and see me in a week." Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?". "Calm down, Mrs.Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment? A mental hospital. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 A man walked into the bar and there was a gorilla sitting on a barstool. The man asked the bartender what the gorilla was doing in the bar so the bartender showed him. He took out a bat and hit the gorilla over the head with it. The animal instantly dropped down and gave the bartender *****. The Bartender then asked the man if he would like to try it. The man said "Sure, but please don't hit me quite so hard". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 If Pigs were to lose their voice, would they become disgruntled? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 esus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing and Jesus says to Moses "I want to do a miracle so we can feel like the good old days." and Moses says "Yeah sure." So Jesus gets up and says "I think I'll walk on the water, that was always a good one." So Jesus walks over to the edge of the boat, steps into the water, and sinks like a stone. Moses drags Jesus back into the boat and revives him. Moses then says "What's the problem?" and Jesus says, "I think its the holes in my feet!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb? Well, the light bulb is brighter, but the blonde is easier to turn on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?" "No," he replied, "I've never done either." "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor. "No, I've never done any of those things either." "Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raistlin Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 What is a man's idea of protected s*x? A padded headboard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eddie eastwood Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eddie eastwood Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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