Have a laugh

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[Rondy]

A ventriloquist's car breaks down near a farm and he decides to have a little fun with the redneck farmer that owned it.
"Hey there," he says. "I bet I can make your horse talk."
"Horses don't talk," says the farmer.
"We'll see," says the ventriloquist. He turns to the horse and asks, "So how does your master treat you?"
"Pretty well," says the horse. "He gives me plenty of food and water, and he lets me run all over."
"I bet I can make the dog talk, too," says the ventriloquist.
"Dog's don't talk" says the farmer.
"How about you?" the ventriloquist asks the dog. "Is he good to you too?"
"Yup," says the dog. "We play fetch."
"Let's see what the sheep has to say," says the ventriloquist.
" Now just a minute" yells the farmer "That sheep is a damn liar!"

[Rondy]

A rabbi gets in front of his congregation and says that he is leaving to go to a larger congregation that can pay him more.

There is a hush as no one wants him to leave. Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a minivan to transport their children!" The congregation applauds.

Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay, I'll personally double his salary, and also will establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!" The congregation cheers again.

Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him s*x!" There is total silence.

The rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his forehead in the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the Rabbi.'"

[eddie eastwood]

[eddie eastwood]

[eddie eastwood]

[eddie eastwood]

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lol🤣

[Rondy]

I'm just back from the shops there and seen a blonde shouting into an envelope.
I asked her what she was doing and she said she was sending a voice mail.

___

Paddy buys a humpty dumpty from aldi.
It's great it comes with aldi Kings horses and aldi Kings men.

___

Please don't forget.
Tonight the moon will be visible from earth. The last time this happened was last night.

___

Paddy rang the RSPCA and said "I've just found a suitcase with four fox cubs in it.
"That's terrible." The RSPCA officer said. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure." says Paddy. "But that would explain why they're in a suitcase."

___

I just got 3 tips off a bookie for the Grand National.
Sunshine.
Moonlight.
Good Times.
If they don't win, don't blame it on Sunshine, don't blame it on Moonlight, don't blame it on Good Times, blame it on the Bookie.

___

I’m on my way home yesterday from work and I saw this blue Vauxhall going slow in front of me it was for sale it had a number on the back window so me I decided to call it
Me: "Hello im calling about your Vauxhall is it still for sale?"
Them: "Yes."
Me: "Does it run?"
Them: "Yes."
Me : "Well speed up or get the hell out my way."

___

 

[Raistlin]

The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish.

He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one night stand.

But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't already in one.

"I can't help feeling that we've met before." he said.

"Yeah, I know." sighed the girl stretching. "It happens to me a lot. I think they call this 'deja screw'.

[Raistlin]

A man takes his 16 year old daughter to the doctor.

He says "Doctor, I want to put her on the pill."

The Doctor says "Why?!? Is she sexually active?"

The guy says "Nah, she just lies there like her mother."

[Raistlin]

A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget.

Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, "You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!"

Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, "Take it easy Dear, Can't you see I'm trying to cut down ?"

[Raistlin]

A hill country husband died and left everything to his wife.

He put a provision in his will though that she couldn't touch any of it until she turned 14

[Raistlin]

After a wonderful night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is that your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, she answered, "That's me before the surgery."

[Raistlin]

A man eating at restaurant says to his waiter, 'waiter, there's a fly in my soup!'

The waiter replies, 'That, sir, is entirely possible, you see our chef used to be a tailor.'

[Raistlin]

There was a Scotsman and he was too drunk to walk home from the bar.

He decides to lay down a park bench and sleep.

Tomorrow he would walk home after he was sober.

In the morning two little girls are walking by to go to school when they see he is wearing his kilt.

One of the little girls get curious and decide to lift up his kilt.

They see he's not wearing anything under his kilt so one of the little girls takes a blue ribbon out of her hair and ties it around his thing in a nice little bow.

They put his kilt back down and go to school.

A little while after the man wakes up and natures calling.

He finds the nearest bush, lifts up his kilt and looks down. He says in his Scottish accent, "I don't know where ya been but ya won first prize."

[Raistlin]

Two blondes walk into a building...

You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

[Raistlin]

What's the best thing about a bj ?

The 15 minutes of silence