Have a laugh

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[Turvey]

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[eddie eastwood]

[eddie eastwood]

[eddie eastwood]

[Raistlin]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word*on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all* those conflicting medical studies.

FACTS

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart* attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

2.* Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

3. Africans drink very* little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies,* British or Americans.

4. Italians drink large amounts of red wine* and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or* Americans.

5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and* fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British* or Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you* like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Raistlin]

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're

down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking

chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers

to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

[Raistlin]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.

2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the

second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

😎 You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

[Raistlin]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the

toy.

[Raistlin]

A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually.

He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.

Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.

The medicine man says, 'I can cure this.'

With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a Flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, 'This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year.

All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!'

The man then asks, 'What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?'

The medicine man replies, 'When your partner can take no more s*x and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down.

But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another year..'

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave.

He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says '123' and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks, 'What did you say '123' for ?

[Raistlin]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the

blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the

menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous

customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty

dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to

the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind

man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep

breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and

mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks

towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's

wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind

man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner

mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me?

I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a

dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to

the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man

says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and

chesse with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief,

the owner thinks the blind man is ***** around with him

and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes

in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's

him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary

rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind

man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have

the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and

says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

[Raistlin]

What is the biggest problem for an atheist ?

No one to talk to during *****.

[Raistlin]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning

service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away

last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he

have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, please put down the gun...'"

[Raistlin]

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.

Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

[Raistlin]

Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married.

Every month the centrefold is the exact same woman.

[Raistlin]

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy ?

Two Mennonite

[Raistlin]

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it" the priest replied.

The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue.

He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.

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