Have a laugh

[dezwez]

[dezwez]

[dezwez]

[dezwez]

[dezwez]

[dezwez]

[dezwez]

[Raistlin]

How many ***** men does it take to put in a light bulb ?

Only one...

but it takes an entire Emergency Room to get it out.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of crap ?

The bucket.

[Raistlin]

A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is

working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's s*x?"

So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and

the bees.

He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperm and eggs etc.

He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love......

He thinks what the hell, and tells her the works, thinking that to

tell it all is the only way to tell truth.

The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new

knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So why did you wish to know

about s*x?"

"Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

[Raistlin]

Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.

"Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.

"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years and years now!"

[Raistlin]

A friend of mine just got divorced.

He and his ex-wife split the house.

He got the outside.

[Raistlin]

A guy was driving down the road in his Kuga during a thunderstorm, when his wind shield wiper broke.

He drives until he comes to an auto body shop.

He goes into the shop, walks up to the counter and says, "Excuse me, but could you give me a wind shield wiper for my Kuga?"

The clerk leans against the counter and thinks for a while.

Finally he says, "Sure...that sounds like a fair trade."

[Raistlin]

Why do men die before their wives?

Because they want to.

[Raistlin]

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the

countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver,

caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and

crashes into the ditch.

A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and

rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians

he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the

man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police

officer. "Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you

know how politicians lie."

[Raistlin]

The husband, tired of a listless s*x life came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me when you have an ***** ?"

She looked him rite in the eye and said, "You're never home !"

[Raistlin]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean , two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Christian..

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited

the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being prawn; I

wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad

plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps

the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself

turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and

bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the

reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Christian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the

enemy & became a shark',

came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end

the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come

out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be

tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........

'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'

[Raistlin]

Mr. Jones had hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite.

While taking dictation one morning, she noticed that his fly was open.

Upon leaving the room she said, "Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open."

He was puzzled by her remark, but later that day he noticed that his zipper was open.

So, he decided to have a little fun with his secretary and called her back into his office.

"By the way Miss Smith," he said, "When you noticed my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention ?"

"Why no sir," she replied, "All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

[Raistlin]

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.

[Raistlin]

A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt.

"Reach up there and find out."

She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's gruesome!"

"Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand back up there, it'll grow some more!"

[Raistlin]

A strained voice called out through the darkened theatre, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"

Several men stood up as the lights came on.

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a good, Jewish girl?"

[eddie eastwood]

[eddie eastwood]

[eddie eastwood]

[Rondy]

I borrowed a blind friend of mine £20 the other day, He promised me he would pay me back the next time he saw me.
Uh Oh, I should have known better.

___

My wife left me for another man. All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless, lonely life. And while he's going through that, I'll be down the pub with my mates every night.

___

I threw a ball for my dog...
It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a Tuxedo.

___

I went to my local coffee shop and asked for a cappuccino. The lady asked 'Is that to sit in?'
I said 'No, l'm going to drink it'

___

An old lady of 80 was sat happily knitting when a wee mouse shot up her skirt and disappeared !!!!!???.
She screamed and her hubby came running, she told him to call the doctor and ask him what they should do.
The doctor thought for a moment then told the husband to wave a piece of cheese in front of the entrance !!!! to see if he could entice the mouse out. After a while doctor thought he had better pay them a visit and see if he could assist.
When he arrived he found the poor husband waving a kipper in front of the entrance. "I thought I told you wave a piece of cheese at the entrance not a kipper" said the doctor.
To which the hubby replied, " I know you told me to wave a bit of cheese but I've got to get the ***** cat out first.

___