Have a laugh

[Raistlin]

There was a costume party at a mental hospital; the theme of

the party was "war".

The first person comes up onto the stage and says, "I'm an

atomic bomb." He gets his applause and steps down.

The second person comes up and says, "I'm a hydrogen

bomb." Again, there's applause and he steps down.

And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says,

"I'm dynamite."

Everybody runs away hysterically. When one of them is asked

why, he says, "Didn't you see how short his fuse was?"

[Raistlin]

Two extraordinarily successful female divorce lawyers were having a few drinks at a bar when a young, incredibly handsome man walked past.

Squirming in her chair, one of the ladies blurted out “I’d sure like to screw him!”

To which the other replied “Out of what?”

[Raistlin]

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb ?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination ofthe area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (light bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1. The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the aformentioned failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (lawyer) throughout.

2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light bulb) becomes seperated from the party of the third part ('receptacle'), the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.

3. Once seperation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part ('new light bulb'). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part (new light bulb) becomes snug in the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the second part (light bulb).

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by said party of the first part (lawyer), or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do som the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.

[Raistlin]

The pilot of an aerobatic biplane landed in the recently mown field of a Scottish farmer to make a few adjustments to his engine.

While he was tinkering with his machine, he noticed the Scotsman and his wife watching with a great deal of curiosity.

The Scotsman asked the pilot how much he would charge to give both he and his wife a ride.

'Well', said the pilot, 'Normally I charge £50 each, but if you are both completely quiet throughout the flight, the ride will be free of charge.

If I hear the least amount of noise, you will owe the full fare.'

The couple quickly climbed aboard, and the pilot taxied and took off.

Immediately, he proceeded to put his plane through all of its paces: barrel rolls, stalls, spins, split S manoeuvres, you name it and he did it.

The couple in back were completely silent throughout the thirty minute flight.

Upon landing, the pilot said, 'I really have to hand it to you for keeping quiet through all that!'

'Aye', said the Scotsman, 'but I'll admit, ye almost heard me when the wife fell out.'

[Raistlin]

Good News, Bad News, Worse News

Good:

You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter

Bad:

She keeps interrupting

Worse:

With corrections

[Raistlin]

If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there are no women around to hear him.

Is he still wrong? 

[Raistlin]

On their first night together, the newlyweds decided to set up signals concerning their "urges".

The lady said, "If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it, squeeze my BOOB twice."

The gent said "OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it, pull my DONG 48 times."

[Raistlin]

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.

The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five pounds you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray.

He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.

Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five pounds, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five pounds.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five pounds."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

[Raistlin]

Howard had felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last.

" But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, "Howard. You're a vet."

[Raistlin]

The doorbell rings in the middle of the night, and the wife gets up to see who it is. She comes back to bed and the husband says, "Who was that?"

The wife says, "Oh, it was some woman." The husband is freaked out. He says, "Well, uh, what did she want?"

The wife says, "She wanted to know if the coast was clear!" The husband is really nervous now. He says, "Well, what did you tell her?"

The wife says, "I told her the coast is a hundred miles from here; how in the heck do I know if it's clear or not?"

[Raistlin]

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.

There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright--but after a few months he gets "lonely", if you know what I mean.

The pig starts to look more and more attractive--soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc.

But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious.

He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back to health.

Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."

The guy thinks for a minute and says "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk"

[Raistlin]

The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over.

At her apartment door, he suddenly said "Hey! You want to see my underwear?"

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any.

She glanced down and said, "Nice design, does it also come in men's sizes ?

[Raistlin]

What do you call a Highlander with four sheep?

A pimp

[Raistlin]

It's Christmas time and Paddy and Shaun decided to go look for a Christmas Tree.

They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off so they can get a good look at them.

When they finally reach a fine stand of trees, Shaun brushes off the first tree, and stands back with Paddy to look at it.

"Well, Paddy, What do you think?"

"Sorry, Shaun, this tree won't do. Let's try another one".

They come upon another nice tree, Shaun brushes it off, and they both look at it. "How about this one, Paddy?"

"Not quite, Shaun. Let's keep looking".

This goes on until nightfall.

Both Paddy and Shaun are cold, tired, and hungry.

"Well, Paddy, what do we do now?"

"Shaun, I think we should take home the next tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not..."

[Raistlin]

The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young woman.

She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure.

So she asked now big I was and I said, "Compared to what?"

She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that."

Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big.

I said, "I'm bigger than that."

Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big.

I said, "I'm about that big."

She put the three fingers in her mouth for a moment and said, "You're a medium."

[Raistlin]

This Aussie caught this Kiwi having a bit of fun with a sheep....

"Mate", the Aussie said, "Over here we shear them".

The kiwi replied, "Mate, I'm not shearing this with anyone"

[eddie eastwood]

[eddie eastwood]

[eddie eastwood]

[Rondy]

I woke up this morning to the sun coming through my bedroom window.
I need to have a word with that new paper boy.

___

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost £300."
"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mum. He'd give me a £20 note and tell me to take a hike!"

___

A football coach was asked about his star linesman.
The coach replied, "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I have seen his application and there are a lot of words he doesn't know the meaning of!"

___

Two old ladies, Dolly and Ruby were chatting about their grandchildren.
Dolly said: "Each year I send him a generous cheque on his birthday and he never replies, not even a thank you message."
Ruby replies;" I do the same every year, send off a cheque for a good amount
and I hear from him within a few days of him receiving it, In fact he calls around to see me."
"Wow!! How come?" Replies Dolly."
"Simple, I never sign the cheque."

___

I've started a business building boats in my attic.
Sails are going through the roof.

___

So a female employee got an expensive pen as a birthday gift from her boss. She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email:
Boss’s wife read the email and filed for divorce.
The email said: Your ***** wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it.Thanks a lot.!
Moral: A "space" is an vital part of English grammar!

___

"Dad, I want to become a politician," said Jim.
His father asked, "And what are you doing to become one?"
"Nothing, dad."
"Good, you're halfway there then."

___

Little Benny and his daddy were standing in front of the lion's cage at the zoo.
Benny's father was explaining how ferocious and strong lions are, and Benny was taking it all in with a serious expression.
"Daddy," Benny said finally, "if the lion got out of his cage and ate you up..."
"Yes, son?" Benny's father said expectantly.
Benny continued, "What bus should I take home?"

___

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