Have a laugh

[Raistlin]

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."

[Raistlin]

A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical island.

For twenty years he never sees another human being.

Then one day a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes half-ripped off, washes up on a piece of driftwood.

He explains to her how he existed for twenty years, digging for clams, and eating fruits and berries.

She says, "Well, what did you do for love?"

He says, "Love? What's that?"

She says, "I'll show you."

She shows him.

Then she shows him again.

Then she shows him one more time.

When they're finally done, she says, "Well, how do you like love?"

He says, "It's great. But look what you did to my clam digger."

[Raistlin]

Barack Obama is visiting an Edinburgh Hospital.

He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness, and he greets one - the patient replies

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,

Great chieftain o'the puddin race,

Aboon them a ye take yer place,

Painch, tripe or thairm,

As langs my airm."

He is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient, and greets him - the patient responds

"Some hae meat an canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat an we can eat,

So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the President moves on to the next patient, and greets him - the patient begins to chant

"Wee sleekit, cowerin', timorous beasty,

O the panic in they breasty,

Thou needna start awa sae hastie,

Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Obama turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiaric ward?" -

"No", replies the doctor (wait for it)

"This is the serious Burns unit "

 

[Raistlin]

A man takes his sick dog to the vet.

The vet lifts the dog onto the the operating table, looks down and says "Say ahhhhhhhhhhh!"

The man looks at the vet and says "The dog can't speak".

The vet says to the man "I was talking to YOU, The dog is dead !"

[Raistlin]

This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

[Raistlin]

How are lawyers like sperm ?

One out of a million turns out to be a human being.

[Raistlin]

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.

After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

"It's O.K.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."

So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check girl puts out"

[Raistlin]

A 69 year old man comes to his doctor looking depressed.

He says "Doc, I think I'm impotent."

The Doctor sits him down and begins the standard speech he gives to senior

citizens, about how as the body ages bodily functions

slow down and it is completely normal to suffer some

decrease in sexual desire.

How the man shouldn't worry or become upset about it, but should just relax and

things will probably be completely fine and blah blah blah.

Finally the doctor asks "When did you first begin to think you were impotent?"

"Three times last night, and again this morning."

[Raistlin]

When does a person decide to become an accountant ?

When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the guy that entered his dog at Crufts ?

He got 16 months.

[Raistlin]

The teacher had given the class an assignment.

He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).

A smart-mouthed student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"

The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

[Raistlin]

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Aussie, an Abo, a Yank, an African, an elephant, a refrigerator, two blondes, a homosexual, three social workers, a Jew, a crocodile and a kiwi all walked into a bar.

The bartender turned around and said, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

[eddie eastwood]

May the fourth be with you!

[eddie eastwood]

[eddie eastwood]

https://www.majorgeeks.com/news/story/random_photos_may_the_caturday_be_with_you.html

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